Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-11

• If you're having the guys over, be ready for them. http://t.co/l3nF01Z7 #
• If people knew what their idle facial expression looked like, they'd be horrified that they look like an asshole most of the time. #
• No, you're weird if you DON'T yell at your television. #
• "Carpe this." -Diem #
• Weekends are awesome because that's when it's socially acceptable to drink in the morning. #
• FACT: You're 5-10% more creative without pants on. #
• She had a lazy eye, so I wasn't sure if she was smiling at me or someone else. #
• Time flies when you're caught in a dead end marriage. #
• The moment you realize that your life is fun and exciting as it is, a woman comes along to mess it all up. #
• If you want to see some assholes with a few cool guys mixed in, do a Google Images search on the name Barry. #
• My dingo ate your baby. #
• Espresso's on me. “@FavstarOfTheDay: Congrats @TimUhl! @LaFuzzyNoir picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/caM3lhGM” #
• I realized I was a coffee snob when I heard someone say Expresso instead of Espresso and it curled my lip. #
• There's some fun shit in the works.

  Very fun. #

• Measure a woman not by her body, or her mind, but her after-sex sandwich making skills. #
• Whenever I'm done making love, I like to cap it by saying something sweet like, "You should go." #
• Taking you shopping for fine clothing and cosmetics is just my little way of saying, "You're not enough." #
• If you're signing a note with X's and O's which ones are the kisses and how do you signify where on the body you're placing them? #
• I give her the upper hand.

  Up'er shirt, that is. #

• If I heard someone describing me and didn't know they were talking about me, I'd be like, "He sounds awesome! And gay." #

Add comment March 11th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-04

• She wears workout pants all day long and can't figure out why her husband never wants sex. #
• The only things that ever last, are the memories we keep of each other. #
• Girl, you know you deserve better than frozen pizza.

  Incidentally, that's all I have. #

• I kinda sorta love this town. #
• My ass is a vast resource, from which many ideas may be pulled. #
• Monday, we've talked about this. You're not wearing your ball gag. #
• Maybe someday manliness will be back in demand. #
• I wanted to say, "I hate your guts!" but what came out was, "Is there anything I can bring to the party?" #
• I'd like to nominate my ex wife for her role in "The Lie We Called Marriage." #
• It's important to balance debauchery and drug use with running, healthy eating and a disciplined spiritual practice. #
• Girl, you look like Michael J. Fox walking in those heels. #

Add comment March 4th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-26

• "In this scene, I'll play the role of a woman emotionally driven to eat six peanut butter cups." -Kirstie Alley, at home, probably #
• The universe is telling me to avoid magical thinking. #
• If I have one fault, it's thinking I don't have any faults. #
• The plastic beads hanging from your rearview mirror gave me the idea that you'd flash your tits at me if you're drunk enough. #
• I bet your vagina isn't as boring as you are. #
• If it never gets better than this… cool. #
• Dad fished for trout. Mom fished for compliments. #
• Thanks for being a dickhead, you just wiped the favor slate clean and I felt like I owed you a few. #
• Sometimes you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I the mom that walks around without a bra on?" #
• Her: I just want you to like me.

  Translation: Tell me I'm beautiful and amazing, take me to new places. Oh and gifts! I love gifts. #

• I don't care how old Jane Seymour is at this point.

  I'd still do her. #

• Why do you have to pay dozens of nights doubting yourself to get that one that makes you believe all over again? #
• These boots were made for walking, but I feel like laying around for most of the day. #
• Relationship progression:

  1. Flirting and laughing.
  2. Light touching.
  3. She confesses some dark shit.
  4. I feel awkward.

  Aaaaand repeat. #

• Sometimes I feel like the briefcase someone forgot on top of their car. #
• For lent, I'm giving up on life. #
• Sure Jesus could turn water into wine, but I wanna see what he could do with a bag of oregano. #
• If a significant portion of our population is lost, destabilizing our economy and causing our society to crumble then the terrorists win. #

Add comment February 26th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-19

• Want a recipe for loneliness?

  Know what you're worth. #

• Me: Table for two?

  Her: Do you have a reservation?

  Me: No. Did I need one?

  Her: No, we can seat you now.

  You pretentious assholes. #

• I could tolerate a little more weirdness in my life. #
• You had a healthy and loving relationship with your father?

  Oh! That must be why I'm not attracted to you. #

• You might like that I treat you like a normal person, but it's probably just because I don't know you very well yet. #
• You see whatever I want to show you. I see what I really am. #
• Just remember, the assholes are missing out on the kind of fun we enjoy regularly. #
• I don't know you, but I understood that subtle smile you gave me in the grocery store.

  You want me to cut your husband's brake lines. #

• It didn't bother me that he ordered a Tai Chi. The barista giving him a Chai Tea instead of a crane pose is what bothers me. #
• Actually, I was smiling at the girl behind you. … Awkward … #
• I'd like to hear your vagina's monologue. #
• If I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "You look so familiar."

  Yeah. Try a different pickup line. #

• I think you're gorgeous, funny and charming and I was wondering if you'd be interested in keeping my balls in your purse? #
• ♪Oh, I believe there are assholes among us… ♪ #
• I wish more bad stuff would happen to me so I could have a good reason to treat everyone like shit. #
• Of all the things you can have stuck up your ass, a great idea is the most uncomfortable. #
• You know what I don't like about you?

  That I could start to really like you. #

• Today Valentine's day candy is just as cheap as the promises you made yesterday. #
• Who needs marriage when there's autocorrect? #
• I wonder if Dachshunds are better listeners than Golden Retrievers. #
• I'd like to reintroduce denial as a viable coping strategy. #
• Hey baby, I'll put the beef in your nachos. #
• I love leaving little surprises for myself.

  My password hint is: "If you can't remember this, you're a fucking idiot." #

• When you're feeling lonely, I'll be the voice on the telephone saying that I'm already inside your house. #
• A jacuzzi can hide the bubbles but it can't hide the smell. #
• You know what goes great with scotch?

  Self-pity. #

• I like to deliver my valentines in the form of wordless, breathy phone calls. #
• If you can't set the world on fire, settle for your asshole neighbor's garage. #
• I need to remember not to make any life plans before having my coffee. #
• If you want to use a guitar to get laid you really only need to know 3-4 songs. #
• Valentine's Day: It's the twat that counts. #
• The worst part of mornings is having to wait several hours before it's socially acceptable to drink beer. #
• That's me in the coroner. #
• "I've always relied upon the hospitality of strangers." Because you're not capable of doing anything for yourself? #
• Funny how hookers have reputations for being cheap when Red Lobster and a few nice words is what actually costs less. #
• These upscale chocolates, expensive flowers, sentimental card and vintage wine are to tell you what you mean to me.

  And that I wanna do it. #

• Boom. I just said that to give this meaningless tweet some extra gravity. #
• If you don't have anything nice to say, do the rest of us a favor and stick a gun in your mouth. #
• Some are dying to live for something.

  Some are living to die for something. #

• A hispanic that doesn't like spicy food is like a man that doesn't like sex. #
• You guys remember that time I drunk spelled that one dude's name and then threw myself down a flight of stairs because of it?

  Classic Tim. #

• Growing up Mormon and not being allowed to watch R rated movies, you learn that sex is nothing more than naked hugging. #
• I keep gum and tic-tacs in my nightstand drawer because, morning sex. #
• Next time a cat sticks its asshole in my face, I'm responding in kind. #

Add comment February 19th, 2012

A simple explanation of long form improvisation.

Long form improvisation is done with two or more people, who create a scene of varying length on the fly. When it’s done perfectly, it’s clear to the audience that each player is creating their lines and actions in direct response to what their scene partners last said. Each line builds upon and honors everything that has already been said.

The magic of improv, is when it’s completely clear to the audience why something was said. The audience sees the connections between lines of dialogue and actions, and they see how it fits within the pre-established context. This is what is most astonishing to an audience–when it’s obvious that you’re making it up. Trained improvisers create worlds that are so detailed, rich and interesting that the audience can’t believe it’s being made up right in front of them.

The one skill an improviser must have, is to be able to work off of inspiration. Any idiot off the street can get on stage, think that they’re funny and rant and riff off of themselves. There’s no skill in that. It’s also frequently boring and pointless. What’s difficult, is to take whatever you’re given by the audience and your scene partner and to create something right then. Right in that moment.

Long form improvisers create understandable, compelling and often humorous scenes with detailed worlds and characters right in front of their audience’s eyes.

Add comment February 15th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-12

• The opinions expressed may not reflect my actual opinions. #
• I can help you find your way in the dark.

  Here's my belt buckle. #

• My greatest achievement in life is finding a socially respectable job that I can actually do without wearing pants. #
• Fascinating Self-Discovery: I can't draw to save my life. Unless what I'm drawing is boobs. #
• Ass: Either tap it or bacon wrap it. #
• I don't mind the sight of blood, urine, feces, or vomit. Seeing your feelings is what grosses me out. #
• Years ago, I began my graphic design career by creating accurate reproductions of the Utah State Driver's License. #
• Women just can't resist a man that can resist them. #
• For the love of god, even if you don't have to at the moment… Pee before you leave the bar. #
• Whenever I need to quell my nerves before I do some public speaking, I imagine that the audience is imagining me naked. #
• I'm interviewing to volunteer for a local hospice next week. Wish me luck. #
• Nobody ever catches a lucky break sitting on their couch. #
• Today an old woman asked for my arm while she crossed the street.

  It made my day to be able to help her. #

• Home is that feeling you get when there's not a single place you'd rather be. I love this town. Cold weather and all. #
• Impossible to find: A sexy girl who grew up on Voltron and Thunder Cats that's single and socially competent. #
• I suck at sarcasm because I just end up saying the kind of stuff that's genuinely true and hurtful.

  Or does that make me good at it? #

• If you're so smart how come you're always burning your mouth on pizza? #
• Sometimes I could swear I'm being watched…

  So I walk around without pants on. #

• I like to get more than the next guy so I have more to give than the next guy. #
• I hear they're bring back Arrested Development on Netflix. So yeah, I believe in the power of prayer. #
• I can tell you love being a parent by the sweatpants you always wear and the 25 lbs you put on. #
• Which of these saws will cut through bone? #
• Excuse me sir, where can I find non porous gloves that blood samples can't be taken from? #
• I won't hit on a girl with hand sanitizer attached to her backpack.

  I already know she won't do the weird stuff. #

• When I'm lying on my deathbed, recounting my life, I'm pretty sure my biggest regret will be that I didn't eat more nachos. #
• ( inappropriate touch ) Yep. I did. What are you going to do about it? #
• Alright smart ass, I'd like to see you come up with a better way of generating 1.21 gigawatts. #
• Most of us have minds full of ideas, but our conversations are empty just the same. #
• The hot water heater in my building broke. It's nice to have a legitimate excuse for not showering. #
• Who needs warm fuzzy slippers when you can just double and triple layer your socks?

  I need warm fuzzy slippers. #

• You know who could shake you all night long? An epileptic. #
• I can tell how much I like a girl by whether or not I clean my apartment before she comes over.

  I just vacuumed my baseboards. #

• Your advice may be well meaning, but it's still horrible. #
• Whenever my ego gets out of control, I remind myself that sooner than I think I'll be wearing velcro shoes again. #
• The woman I met last night is faster than my coffee pot. #
• You play hard to get and I'll play who gives a shit. #

Add comment February 12th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-05

• Del Taco is the short bus of mexican restaurants. #
• My toenails get long in the winter when I'm not wearing flip flops regularly and/or there aren't women to judge me. #
• Hey Randy, what're you up to? I've got a body to dispose of if you're not doing anything later. #
• Beer. Book. Bathtub. Baroque.

  I believe this is how the most methodic of serial killers grow to reach their full potential. #

• If you're happy and you know, your browser history will surely show it. #
• You call it pants, I call it oppression. #
• There's no time like the present.

  For beer. #

• Overheard: "How can I be a home wrecker if he ain't even taken me to his home?" #
• All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, better run if they play this song one more effing time. #
• I'm drinking coffee and waiting for my feelings about you to change. #
• Seeing the scars from your boob job is like seeing the strings in a low-budget film. #
• I can't think of a good reason why I should be wearing pants right now. #
• There's going to be six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder. #
• If you tickle my groundhog, I'll give you an early spring. #
• It's always a good idea to clear your browser history before heading out into the city. Just in case. #
• Love squirts. #
• When I die I want to donate my body to a lonely woman who is into some weird shit. #
• Breaking into a casket is harder than I thought it would be. #
• Most of you assholes need to smile more. #
• It takes a few years, but the highway to the danger zone actually leads directly to pooh corner. #
• I'm exhausted from all of the P90Sex I've been doing lately. #
• If I were a robot, this is what I'd be… http://t.co/kiKIktvp #
• I do laundry when I run out of underwear. Mostly. #
• Because I was bored. That's why. http://t.co/sJpkV468 #
• When in need, smoke some weed. #
• I've prescribed myself 16 oz's of coffee daily, as needed for general malaise. #

Add comment February 5th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-29

• I've outsourced my happiness to the Blue Moon Brewing company. #
• You're beautiful when you're not conscious. #
• I fold my pants at night, to create the illusion that they're good to go again without washing them. Shut up. You do it too. #
• What the Tim needs now, is beer, sweet beer. #
• Maybe one day I'll stop saying maybe one day. #
• Carpe coffee. #
• I'm only dishonest in Photoshop. #
• When I say, "Yeah, let's get together later!" I really mean never. #
• If you ever feel comfortable enough to fart in front of me, I've failed. #
• She had a lot of junk but not much trunk. #
• I'm saving myself for that special someone… Who leaves their drink unattended for a few minutes. #
• There's nothing sexy about the word birth canal. #
• Don't use hashtags on Facebook status updates. #

Add comment January 29th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-22

• I probably should require myself to shower for the day before uncapping a beer but… whatever. #
• If you're hot try acting. If you're ugly try politics. #
• It's adorable that she's afraid of spiders but won't hesitate to do all of the dirtiest shit I've ever asked for. #
• Those times, when you're feeling all alone… I'll be there.

  In a tree. Outside your window, wearing night vision goggles. #

• When a telemarketer calls me six times in one day I consider it my duty to make up a story about disease, debt and loneliness. #
• To help you abstain from eating all of the cookies, I'm leaving you this note letting you know I've counted them and I'm judging you. #
• Since I can't throw the bacon grease down the drain I'll just throw it in your face. #
• Good thing nobody saw me licking coffee off my shirt just now. #
• Tess lalking. Fore mucking. #
• When Jesus turned the water into wine, what he was really saying is "drink it like water." #
• Oh hey, thanks for mentioning that you're on your period. You just saved me about $35 worth of drinks. #
• Let us fill this golden goblet with the finest beer and drink to ourselves! Thanks to @StephenBCramer for the ToTD! http://t.co/5TVX96mu #
• Every step I take is a calculated move designed to bring me closer to my next great beer. #
• I'm not opposed to dating a thirty year old with braces as long as she agrees to wear her hair in pigtails. #
• Woohoo! Thank you!!! @Favstar_Bot: Congrats @TimUhl! @CelebYouTaunt picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/C7V549CW #
• Is that a banana in your pocket or a plantain? #
• The smartest people I've ever met do some of the dumbest shit I've ever seen. #
• It's hard to find the kind of woman you want to cuddle with afterwards. #
• Nothing brightens the day like getting a dirty text message from an awesome girl. #
• If you sing va-va-va-va-vagina to the tune of La Bamba it'll put you in a pretty good mood. #
• Maybe the most beautiful flower in the garden is afraid of being picked. #
• Shit. #
• So did anyone ever figure out what Willis was talking about? #
• There's a right at the end of the tunnel. #
• When life gives you lemons, they're for rubbing in someone else's wounds. #
• Pretend that my nose is a saddle horn. #
• I only joke about the stuff I love, hate, fear, want to eat or want to have sex with. #
• So it's Martin Luther King, Jr. day… Don't worry, I know better than to poke that with my offensive stick.

  Thumbs up for equality. #

• How can I get every photographer to unfollow me so I can just tweet with full abandon?

  Oooh! I know. Nikon and Canon BOTH suck! Sony FTW! #

• I dreamt my new roommate had a retarded daughter that kept showing me her tits and got angrier as I ignored her. Go ahead, analyze that. #
• It's not that I have high standards, it's that everybody else does. #
• It's not that I don't judge you, it's that I don't say anything about it. #
• You never realize how far you've fallen until you're eating alone at Target. #
• Oh man! I just met this awesome girl and in ten years I could totally see myself divorcing her for a younger woman. #
• Nothing says overachiever like a man who buys combination face, hair and body wash. #
• Why take responsibility for your behavior when you can blame everyone else? #

Add comment January 22nd, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-15

• I dreamt I was still married. It woke me up and freaked me out so much I probably won't be able to go back to sleep. #
• You bring the feet and I'll bring the balls. #
• What's the best way to say 'high-functioning alcoholic' on a resume? #
• I was worried my hotdog stand wouldn't fit down this hallway. #
• These bargains are so believable! #
• You've got the juice box and I've got the straw. #
• Some sweaters make you look straight. Some sweaters make you look gay. #
• Looking for love in all the wrong orifices. #
• Her: You told us last night you perm your hair.

  Me: No I didn't and I hate it when girls are jealous of my hair. It's a turn off. #

• I end statements with question marks because it makes them confusing? #
• Hey Adele, I've got a Grand Cherokee if you want to go rolling in my Jeep. #
• Follow @JunkSack or I'll forever question your taste in humor. #FF #
• There was a shriek coming from my basement and I was scared before I realized Julie must've chewed through her duct tape. #
• You know what would make me happy?

  Neither do I. #

• Never shit where you sleep. Unless you have a bedpan. #
• You know what I think is really effing cool? Something that nobody else would think is cool. So I'm not saying. #
• I like to spend Friday the 13th with someone who is a poor judge of character and has no sense of impending danger. #
• When do I get paid for this one? @favstar100: @TimUhl Congrats on your 100★ tweet! http://t.co/WvAqIS2U #
• New drinking game! Take a drink every time you're depressed, sad, angry or lonely. #
• Those moments where you want to break down crying but you try to hold it together because you're in the women's underwear section at K-Mart. #
• If I say I love you it's because I do, or I've been drinking beer.

  Either way, never doubt it. #

• I favor the company of a refined lady with enough grace and elegance to pretend she doesn't have an anus. #
• Signing a lease for a new apartment. Since I have no things it will be completely empty inside.

  Just like me. #

• I'm not sure if I actually like you or if this is just really good coffee. #
• "Most men lead lives of quiet masturbation." -Henry David Thoreau #
• I apologize in advance for this tweet not being a joke.

  I EFFING LOVE CHICAGO. #

• I love, love, love Chicago. #
• Oh hey you! Long time no star. #
• I hump statues. #
• What was the URL for that mail-order concubine business? #
• Is there anything I can do to make you feel more awkward? #
• I make really awesome spaghetti.

  ~ Bachelors #

• A pube on a bar of soap effectively makes it yours forever. #
• So you come in the room, see that I'm napping… Turn on the TV and then leave.

  You would've been Hitler's favorite. #

• Hey baby, want a stick of Big Red? #
• The riddle is why are my tweets riddled with typos today? #
• Running is way more fun when you're not being chased by a knife wielding ex wife. #
• You guys are going to want in on this. I'm putting together the perfect Spotify playlist for shaving my junk. #
• I just made you think about boobs. #
• Love is in the air. Open a window or spray some lysol. #
• No you can't fishtail braid my hair.

  I prefer a french braid. #

• You detox. I'll retox. #
• If your vagina is burning it's because I'm talking about having sex with you. #
• I star your subtweets to say, "I see what you did there." #
• Doncha wish your girlfriend was not like me? #
• Even if you know who your father is, you'll always be a bastard to me. #
• Are there camel tow zones in Arabia? #
• If I were a stuntman I'd charge women $500 to dress like their husbands and let them push me down the stairs. #
• It's so cute how women get bitchy once you make it clear you'll never be interested in them. #
• You know what really grinds my beans? Shitty coffee. #

Add comment January 15th, 2012