Tim John

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-05

Tim John — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:15:00 +0000

Del Taco is the short bus of mexican restaurants. #
My toenails get long in the winter when I'm not wearing flip flops regularly and/or there aren't women to judge me. #
Hey Randy, what're you up to? I've got a body to dispose of if you're not doing anything later. #
Beer. Book. Bathtub. Baroque.
I believe this is how the most methodic of serial killers grow to reach their full potential. #
If you're happy and you know, your browser history will surely show it. #
You call it pants, I call it oppression. #
There's no time like the present.
For beer. #
Overheard: "How can I be a home wrecker if he ain't even taken me to his home?" #
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, better run if they play this song one more effing time. #
I'm drinking coffee and waiting for my feelings about you to change. #
Seeing the scars from your boob job is like seeing the strings in a low-budget film. #
I can't think of a good reason why I should be wearing pants right now. #
There's going to be six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder. #
If you tickle my groundhog, I'll give you an early spring. #
It's always a good idea to clear your browser history before heading out into the city. Just in case. #
Love squirts. #
When I die I want to donate my body to a lonely woman who is into some weird shit. #
Breaking into a casket is harder than I thought it would be. #
Most of you assholes need to smile more. #
It takes a few years, but the highway to the danger zone actually leads directly to pooh corner. #
I'm exhausted from all of the P90Sex I've been doing lately. #
If I were a robot, this is what I'd be… http://t.co/kiKIktvp #
I do laundry when I run out of underwear. Mostly. #
Because I was bored. That's why. http://t.co/sJpkV468 #
When in need, smoke some weed. #
I've prescribed myself 16 oz's of coffee daily, as needed for general malaise. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-29

Tim John — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 19:15:00 +0000

I've outsourced my happiness to the Blue Moon Brewing company. #
You're beautiful when you're not conscious. #
I fold my pants at night, to create the illusion that they're good to go again without washing them. Shut up. You do it too. #
What the Tim needs now, is beer, sweet beer. #
Maybe one day I'll stop saying maybe one day. #
Carpe coffee. #
I'm only dishonest in Photoshop. #
When I say, "Yeah, let's get together later!" I really mean never. #
If you ever feel comfortable enough to fart in front of me, I've failed. #
She had a lot of junk but not much trunk. #
I'm saving myself for that special someone… Who leaves their drink unattended for a few minutes. #
There's nothing sexy about the word birth canal. #
Don't use hashtags on Facebook status updates. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-22

Tim John — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 19:15:00 +0000

I probably should require myself to shower for the day before uncapping a beer but… whatever. #
If you're hot try acting. If you're ugly try politics. #
It's adorable that she's afraid of spiders but won't hesitate to do all of the dirtiest shit I've ever asked for. #
Those times, when you're feeling all alone… I'll be there.
In a tree. Outside your window, wearing night vision goggles. #
When a telemarketer calls me six times in one day I consider it my duty to make up a story about disease, debt and loneliness. #
To help you abstain from eating all of the cookies, I'm leaving you this note letting you know I've counted them and I'm judging you. #
Since I can't throw the bacon grease down the drain I'll just throw it in your face. #
Good thing nobody saw me licking coffee off my shirt just now. #
Tess lalking. Fore mucking. #
When Jesus turned the water into wine, what he was really saying is "drink it like water." #
Oh hey, thanks for mentioning that you're on your period. You just saved me about $35 worth of drinks. #
Let us fill this golden goblet with the finest beer and drink to ourselves! Thanks to @StephenBCramer for the ToTD! http://t.co/5TVX96mu #
Every step I take is a calculated move designed to bring me closer to my next great beer. #
I'm not opposed to dating a thirty year old with braces as long as she agrees to wear her hair in pigtails. #
Woohoo! Thank you!!! @Favstar_Bot: Congrats @TimUhl! @CelebYouTaunt picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/C7V549CW #
Is that a banana in your pocket or a plantain? #
The smartest people I've ever met do some of the dumbest shit I've ever seen. #
It's hard to find the kind of woman you want to cuddle with afterwards. #
Nothing brightens the day like getting a dirty text message from an awesome girl. #
If you sing va-va-va-va-vagina to the tune of La Bamba it'll put you in a pretty good mood. #
Maybe the most beautiful flower in the garden is afraid of being picked. #
Shit. #
So did anyone ever figure out what Willis was talking about? #
There's a right at the end of the tunnel. #
When life gives you lemons, they're for rubbing in someone else's wounds. #
Pretend that my nose is a saddle horn. #
I only joke about the stuff I love, hate, fear, want to eat or want to have sex with. #
So it's Martin Luther King, Jr. day… Don't worry, I know better than to poke that with my offensive stick.
Thumbs up for equality. #
How can I get every photographer to unfollow me so I can just tweet with full abandon?
Oooh! I know. Nikon and Canon BOTH suck! Sony FTW! #
I dreamt my new roommate had a retarded daughter that kept showing me her tits and got angrier as I ignored her. Go ahead, analyze that. #
It's not that I have high standards, it's that everybody else does. #
It's not that I don't judge you, it's that I don't say anything about it. #
You never realize how far you've fallen until you're eating alone at Target. #
Oh man! I just met this awesome girl and in ten years I could totally see myself divorcing her for a younger woman. #
Nothing says overachiever like a man who buys combination face, hair and body wash. #
Why take responsibility for your behavior when you can blame everyone else? #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-15

Tim John — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:15:00 +0000

I dreamt I was still married. It woke me up and freaked me out so much I probably won't be able to go back to sleep. #
You bring the feet and I'll bring the balls. #
What's the best way to say 'high-functioning alcoholic' on a resume? #
I was worried my hotdog stand wouldn't fit down this hallway. #
These bargains are so believable! #
You've got the juice box and I've got the straw. #
Some sweaters make you look straight. Some sweaters make you look gay. #
Looking for love in all the wrong orifices. #
Her: You told us last night you perm your hair.
Me: No I didn't and I hate it when girls are jealous of my hair. It's a turn off. #
I end statements with question marks because it makes them confusing? #
Hey Adele, I've got a Grand Cherokee if you want to go rolling in my Jeep. #
Follow @JunkSack or I'll forever question your taste in humor. #FF #
There was a shriek coming from my basement and I was scared before I realized Julie must've chewed through her duct tape. #
You know what would make me happy?
Neither do I. #
Never shit where you sleep. Unless you have a bedpan. #
You know what I think is really effing cool? Something that nobody else would think is cool. So I'm not saying. #
I like to spend Friday the 13th with someone who is a poor judge of character and has no sense of impending danger. #
When do I get paid for this one? @favstar100: @TimUhl Congrats on your 100★ tweet! http://t.co/WvAqIS2U #
New drinking game! Take a drink every time you're depressed, sad, angry or lonely. #
Those moments where you want to break down crying but you try to hold it together because you're in the women's underwear section at K-Mart. #
If I say I love you it's because I do, or I've been drinking beer.
Either way, never doubt it. #
I favor the company of a refined lady with enough grace and elegance to pretend she doesn't have an anus. #
Signing a lease for a new apartment. Since I have no things it will be completely empty inside.
Just like me. #
I'm not sure if I actually like you or if this is just really good coffee. #
"Most men lead lives of quiet masturbation." -Henry David Thoreau #
I apologize in advance for this tweet not being a joke.
I EFFING LOVE CHICAGO. #
I love, love, love Chicago. #
Oh hey you! Long time no star. #
I hump statues. #
What was the URL for that mail-order concubine business? #
Is there anything I can do to make you feel more awkward? #
I make really awesome spaghetti.
~ Bachelors #
A pube on a bar of soap effectively makes it yours forever. #
So you come in the room, see that I'm napping… Turn on the TV and then leave.
You would've been Hitler's favorite. #
Hey baby, want a stick of Big Red? #
The riddle is why are my tweets riddled with typos today? #
Running is way more fun when you're not being chased by a knife wielding ex wife. #
You guys are going to want in on this. I'm putting together the perfect Spotify playlist for shaving my junk. #
I just made you think about boobs. #
Love is in the air. Open a window or spray some lysol. #
No you can't fishtail braid my hair.
I prefer a french braid. #
You detox. I'll retox. #
If your vagina is burning it's because I'm talking about having sex with you. #
I star your subtweets to say, "I see what you did there." #
Doncha wish your girlfriend was not like me? #
Even if you know who your father is, you'll always be a bastard to me. #
Are there camel tow zones in Arabia? #
If I were a stuntman I'd charge women $500 to dress like their husbands and let them push me down the stairs. #
It's so cute how women get bitchy once you make it clear you'll never be interested in them. #
You know what really grinds my beans? Shitty coffee. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-08

Tim John — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 19:15:00 +0000

Give her whiskey, make her frisky. #
I love hearing the detailed vision behind an artist's completely mediocre body of work. #
She just said "cool beans" and now she must die. #
People would be nicer to each other if murder was socially acceptable. #
I started a Zen class.
I'm worried it will quell my hatred for everything and everyone, ruining my sense of humor. #
There's nothing more beautiful than a woman who doesn't know how beautiful she is. #
There she was at the grocery store on a Friday night, wearing sweat pants holding a bottle of wine.
And that's all I cared to know. #
If you're going to come crawling back, bring nachos. #
I don't mind looking for a new apartment. It's looking for a new dealer that sucks. #
Maybe my fly was down so that I could point out that you were looking at my crotch. #
I suffer from a general lack of enthusiasm concerning the people and possibilities in my life. #
I bet the Snuggle fabric softener bear has a secret panty fetish. #
I prefer to run outdoors. Then there's not someone on a treadmill behind me when I'm farting. #
She's what I call, "I'd do her sober pretty." #
Women aren't hard to understand.
Make them feel beautiful, dirty and adored. Put a price on that by not taking their shit. #
Why push my own limits when yours are available? #
Some of us search our closets for the day's outfit. Some of us search our hampers. #
Okay. You may not want to take down your Christmas lights, it is cold… but don't turn them on. #
Misery loves company. And chocolate. #
Beer. It's what's for dinner. #
Incase anyone was wondering, Trader Joe won't let you pay with scalps or pelts. #
I bet there's a few dead bodies in the Disney vault. #
One of the other benefits of joining AARP is that you can hang yourself in a dirty motel 6 and people will understand. #
A gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell. He just makes her scream so loud that everyone hears it anyway. #
A lot of ass crossed my path today and I kicked it all. #
Seeing a pretty girl do something clumsy is every bit as satisfying as watching a cat run into a glass door. #
Hey mom, while I'm gone would you mind keeping a disapproving eye on my porn collection? #
There are plenty of fish in the sea, so stick your spear in a few. #
Glad I'm not in LA right now. With my tweet history I'd be a prime suspect for all of the arson. #
Less than 24 hours here and I've got two new friends. Looking forward to finding even better ones so I can stop returning their calls. #
Our eyes met across the counter as we were refilling our Adderall. She had long curly hair and I knew she was my favorite flavor of crazy. #
"Nothing in this crazy world matters when I've got you right here with me." -Me, to my morning coffee #
Reality Check: I'M IN CHICAGO DOING WHAT I **LOVE**
(It doesn't feel like reality) #
For those who like to keep up, I now officially reside in Chicago. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-01

Tim John — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 19:15:00 +0000

I bet she'll find me even more irresistible when I quit responding to her texts and phone calls. #
That makes me the uncle who entered his thirteen year old niece's bedroom at 1:47 AM to TURN HER FUCKING STEREO DOWN. #
Go get started! It's a brand new year to fill with regret and broken promises to yourself. #
The ball dropping is a bitter reminder of my own undescended testicle. #
I totally can't figure out how this intersection works, thank God there's a traffic cop. #
Don't worry, be horny. #
Please look at my penis when you're talking to me. #
I'll see your crazies and raise you two creepies. #
You can't be a pussy when it comes to the things you want more than anything else. #
And I say this with all the love, respect and appreciation for who you've shown me you are… You're a dumb bitch. #
It's so cute when women pretend to give men choices. #
They should make a low voltage taser for kids. #
If I told you that you had a nice body would you let me stuff it into a wood chipper? #
Boring, miserable and depressed people make your life boring, miserable and depressing. #
Even if I had the severed rotting ass of a rat, I wouldn't give it to you. #
My browser history tells a story that I never will. #
If cities were dogs Salt Lake would be an overweight Golden Retriever. #
I ask people wearing mismatched socks if they know their socks are mismatched.
Someone has to encourage conformity. #
Twitter allows me to express myself like an anal gland at a vet's office. #
Hey Utah, that's not smog in the air. It's sexual repression. #
He who lives by the lightsaber, dies by the lightsaber. #
Maybe steak and eggs served up at a strip club would give me the inspiration I need to get these ads designed. #
I remember getting a HUGE Christmas bonus one year at a design firm and you know what? I hated that job anyway. #
She inspires me to think inside the box. #
My favorite thing about Utah is that I don't live here anymore. #
Women are like a fine wine. I want more. #
Wanna make sure your son stays a virgin until he's 28? Make him learn the oboe. #
I mastered the breast stroke without ever getting in a swimming pool. #
Realizing I have a weird ass family makes me feel normal. #
Would you still love me the way you do if you saw me scratching my ass? #
Sitting in Starbucks, watching this old couple turn their distaste for their breakfast sandwiches into their distaste for each other. #
It should be standard etiquette to let your friends know if the drugs you're sharing have been up your ass before they light up. #
Don't pretend you've never sexually abused a jetted tub before. #
Seriously tempted to slip my 72 year old Mormon father a marijuana brownie so we can just be real for once. #
Maybe the reason he didn't respect you in the morning is because you snored all night. #
Hating all women is misogynistic. Hating all women except one is romantic. #
Go ahead and leave the refrigerator door open, it'll be my justification for your eventual murder. #
Of everything I'm opening today, a bottle of gin is what I'm most looking forward to. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-25

Tim John — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:15:00 +0000

Wish I had someone to unwrap tomorrow morning. #
Sorting Facebook friends into a list labeled, "I'd do them" because being organized is really important to me. #
It's hard to put enough love into your cooking when you're low on bodily fluids. #
In between being a self absorbed narcissistic asshole, I like to cook for my family. #
I hate hurting people's feelings so I pretend they don't have feelings and do whatever I want. #
Kentucky exists so that people from states like Utah and Tennessee can still feel good about themselves. #
Seems like Burger King would've dipped his whopper in Dairy Queen by now. #
Woohoo! 50 Stars! RT: @favstar50: @TimUhl Congrats on your 50★ tweet! http://t.co/JIr4hI3s #
What better time of year to extend the middle finger of friendship? #
I like my women like I like my socks, cheap and found at Walmart. #
It shouldn't be this hard to find a penis sized Santa hat. Hmmm… Maybe Etsy. #
Sure! You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like or six days, whichever is less. #
I've got imaginary friends in low places. #
My nieces and nephews are putting my solid reputation as a kid hater in jeopardy. #
In case anyone was wondering, Utah still sucks. #
Well thank God John Tesh is still on the air. #
There might be plenty of fish in the sea, but there's very few I would want on my hook. #
"Hey asshole, my eyes are up here."
Actually honey, I wasn't looking at your boobs. I was looking for your boobs. #
Going to bed feeling alone reminds me of when I was married. #
Don't look at me like you've never been caught with warm deli meats down your pants. #
A delicious crispy chicken sandwich, piping hot waffle fries and a savory side of anti-gay agenda? I'm craving me some Chik-Fil-A. #
Nothing says romance like a secluded cabin on the lake, a warm fire and a gassed up wood chipper. #
This $20 Chili's gift card says, "I cared enough to get you something, but not enough to think about it." #
Despite the fact that I hate everything and everyone, I'm in a remarkably great mood. #
It's just adorable when she says, "Promise you'll untie me if I get scared?" #

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-18

Tim John — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 19:15:00 +0000

I'll bring the mistletoe, you bring the camel toe. #
There actually is a Jackson Jr. High in Sandusky, Ohio.
We should hassle their coaching staff for good measure. #
If I ask you how your life is, I expect you to pay me the same courtesy I pay you; lie and don't tell me about your problems. #
Follow these ladies or you're dead to me. @beingtheo , @CandyCrisis , @Jazzzzzmina , @ShoutingGoddess , @dietredbull , @slyoung5 #FF #
When @Hormonella stars a tweet I don't care how many other stars it gets. #FF #
I wonder if there's an honest guy out in the world named Sandusky Jackson who just hates his life so much right now. #
When the meeting meanders towards people's favorite cheesecake, I meander out. #
Shia Labeouf is one of those names you never feel comfortable saying so you spit it out fast with panache. #
Bacon accomplished. #
Jesus loves me, this I know, for this beer tells me so. #
I'm asking for a friend.
… Anybody? #
Ladies, how about putting makeup on before getting in your car? Then I can avoid almost getting hit and seeing what you really look like. #
Why do bumps on your body only appear in places where you can't get a good look at them? #
This is an actual thought that crosses some people's minds. "I'd look good if I shaved my eyebrows then drew them back in with pencil." #
I only believe in soul mates if you're hot and we have a couple things in common. #
Okay, one more. http://t.co/O8yufVdn #
My favorite from this series… http://t.co/VhfHFr21 #
Heh heh heh. http://t.co/bklxH6Jw #
In Rowling's world it may be the wand that chooses the wizard, but in the real world it's the woman that chooses the wand. #
I love people who speak in public without considering that others may be listening to their conversation. #
Like setting fire to your workplace after they fired you? “@Your_Say: Never regret something that made you smile ~Unknown” #
If I don't let your dog near me very often, it's because I know you let it drink out of the toilet. #
Chunky peanut butter and a SVU autopsy scene don't go together as well as you think they would. #
Own your bullshit or it will own you. #
Well I'm back to believing people are bastards again. #
There's nothing more distracting than a set of boobs in an awesome sweater. #
I want the kind of woman who listens to my dreams and hooks my nipples up to a car battery. #
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Thanks!

-Tim #
I'm all grown up now and I didn't get a damn thing from the giving tree. #
I'm afraid if this tweet doesn't get enough stars, I'll have to put it down. #
My safe word is 'Harder!' #
Monday is no match for my air guitaring. #
It's a rainy Monday. I have every reason to be this way. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-11

Tim John — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:15:00 +0000

You realize eating raw cookie dough carries the risk of salmonella, but you're a badass so you grab a spoonful anyway. #
How does Santa get so much done this time of year?
Elf-discipline. #
Someone somewhere is fulfilling their dream of ordering a Ron Popeil Food Dehydrater. #
What just popped into my mind? That's right. Nachos. #
How many people are reading this to escape the reality that they're in a dirty public bathroom? #
I'm rocking out to Peter Murphy right now. Judge me as you will. #
I'm not special. I bet most people wake up screaming. #
Hey lady, there's a reason you don't eat a burrito before doing yoga. #
I love my bed like it loves me back. #
She's the scissors I run with. #
Strategically, my tweets are setting me up for a massive turnaround when I have kids and rediscover the importance of family values. #
Her: Hitting the button like that won't make the elevator come any faster.
Me: I guess that's the difference between elevators and women. #
I have somewhere else to go but the way these two girls are making eye contact I'm waiting around to see if they kiss. #
Feeling good about yourself is only as far away as the nearest Walmart. #
That half smile I wear when I've got a freshly poured cup of coffee comes from knowing I'm on my way to a happier place. #
If it has to be done with pants on it's not worth doing. #
As a serious people hater, one of my favorite things about cheerful optimism is how much it pisses everyone off. #
Go get your own fish. No I don't give lessons. #
Some of you ladies belong on Twatter. #
"I bought you an iTunes playlist." is the new, "So, I made you this mixed tape." #
Bluh. More like an Egg McNuthin. #
I can tell when you're just courtesy starring. #
This makes me feel warmer than the bourbon I'm abusing right now. RT @favstar50: @TimUhl Congrats on your 50★ tweet! http://t.co/T1E5L8Yg #
Foursquare is great for bumping into your ex while you're out on a date with someone who is better looking and far more accomplished. #
That's not my beard growing, it's my apathy. #
I do the right thing, even when it means having to contact all of my former lovers to notify them that I'm now doing a 10. #
I'm finally living my dream of being the kind of uncle that never gets asked to watch the nieces and nephews. #
Every now and then I listen to a Bonnie Tyler song. #
Buying her jewelry says, "I love you even though you pull crazy shit on me and make me apologize for it." #
If you really loved me you'd be making me coffee. #
Behind every successful warlock in the World of Warcraft is a nerdy 17 year old girl. #
Lying about the size of your manhood is a phallacy. #
A trophy is basically a large golden burrito. Love and inappropriate touching to @verymrsgagewinn for the tweet of the day pick! TY! #
Why do ALL Rorschach ink blots look like vaginas? #
I really do love the holiday, but shove your Christmas music right up your Christmas ass. #
MOM! Monday licked my toast!!!! #
Guys get it through your head, women don't want DMs with pics of your hog.
They want mine. #
The monkey on my back gives a good reach around. #
Throwing my paper towel on the floor is my little way of telling you to put a waste basket next to the door in the men's room. #
I'm sorry, the reason I didn't text you back right away is because I don't really give a shit. #
When the two best things in life cross each other's paths. http://t.co/ygzW2EOQ #
I hate that sitting alone in this cafe sipping my coffee nobody here has any idea what kind of crazy sex I had this weekend. #
Guys like to have their hair pulled too. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-04

Tim John — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:15:00 +0000

Guys might like to have their pulled too. #
Bacon sex. #
A Snickers is basically a small chocolate burrito. #
Some of FOX's female reporters give me a halfy. #
When a coworker dances to the music I've got playing, I hit pause to tell them I know what they're doing and I don't approve. #
How often does he say what I'm thinking? May I present the under followed, under appreciated @UrbanDouchebag #FF #
I follow @Hormonella's timeline. And I LIKE IT! #FF #
Siri, where should I aim my surface to air missile to take down my ex wife's flight? #
If you've never fired a gun without pants on, you've never really lived. #
Christmas time, like no other holiday, affords us the opportunity to falsely extend well wishes to people we secretly loathe and hate. #
If it has boobs it probably knows where you left your keys. #
Just because someone wants to be in your life doesn't mean they belong in it. #
Ale Fest 1, Tim John 0 #
I have beer on my shirt. Ladies, now accepting applications. #
Portland Holiday Brewfest 2011. Life is so good. http://t.co/0d4y4iG1 #
I've been to the Portland Holiday Brewfest. I love the world. #
If a tree falls on a guy named Forest, is it ironic? #
She's what I refer to as a three finger woman. #
As I have no Costco membership myself, I feel no shame in abusing the sample ladies' generosity. #
Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. -Vince Lombardi #
I read Playboy primarily for the pictures of naked women. #
I took this in Denmark, I haven't been able to write a caption for it. It speaks for itself. http://t.co/YFsT8KYE #
Just cleaned my laptop screen so nobody can get a DNA sample off of it now. #
I don't burn bridges. I burn houses. #
If it were called Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties, then I'd watch it. #
I admit. I'm curious what Chaz's Bono looks like. #
Anyone you can do, I can do better. #
That last Retweet was an accident… But hey here's a thought, who gives a shit? No one. And in this instance, it's comforting. #
I'm to sorry to say, but I'm done apologizing for everything. #
It's still a Monday. #
Monday is the hair lipped hooker they keep around because a few freaks are into them. #
It's hard to find a girl with enough self-confidence to let me call out my ex wife's name while we're having sex. #
Don't judge me like you've never peed in a cemetery. #
It's difficult to make conversation with ugly people. #
I'm really looking forward to not finishing this new book I just bought! #
I support feminist mermaids who don't believe in wearing shells. #
Anger Management Technique: Instead of slapping her in the face, slap her on the ass. #