Tim John

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-05-20

Tim John — Sun, 20 May 2012 18:15:00 +0000

Seeing Rue McClanahan naked is the price you pay for a Google joke on someone else's computer. #
I'm not playing Diablo 3 to use awesome magic to defeat evil in an imagined world created with extreme detail…
I'm hoping to meet women. #
It's an embarrassing story, but I've got fifty performance grade tambourines I need to unload. #
From The Desk of Tim John (a table at Starbucks). #
There's a correlation between the price of a fragrance and how much of it someone wears. #
Take your mid morning air guitar break guys. It's Thai Chi for badasses. #
Perhaps you'd like to reconsider my offer to purchase Marvin Gardens? #
I have to go buy one cent stamps. You're goddamn right I'm angry. #
Exactly what a cab driver would do…
“@MarinaMiller: @TimUhl I just ran over some fucking idiot with my yellow xterra” #
I just hailed a guy in a bright yellow Xterra to let him know he's an idiot for driving a car that looks like a cab. #
I wonder what else could be turned into bacon. #
Ed Asner is blowin in the wind. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-05-13

Tim John — Sun, 13 May 2012 18:15:00 +0000

Sometimes it's just easier to pee in the sink. #
Hasbro has a Monopoly on boredom. #
Stop what you're doing and help me find my flip flops. #
Fighting with women was funner in high school when I was friends with the dykey chicks and could just request an ass kicking. #
If you don't ask any questions, I've got some seagull meat you're welcome to. #
It's a recent picture of me, incase my body needs to be identified. http://t.co/dS7O5oS8 #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-05-06

Tim John — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:15:00 +0000

I bought some fresh flowers for my apartment. I placed them artfully in my living room and then discovered I had a vagina. #
For a minute there, you forgot that donuts existed. #
"It is only after we experience the consequences of doing stupid shit that we realize we shouldn't do stupid shit anymore." -Dalai Tim #
At weddings, they prefer that you throw birdseed instead of your own seed. #
Rehab might be a good place to meet women. #
Stealing Chex Mix from my roommate while he's at work. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-04-29

Tim John — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 18:15:00 +0000

If you join my religion we both get 100 dollars off our bill. #
"I'm gonna lay you down and heat you up until you're sizzling." -Me, to my bacon #
I was head over heels until I got to know you. #
Instead of signing my check to the IRS I just drew a penis on the signature line. #
I love you like I love quiche.
Which is not at all. #
Has anyone told Tim he's been an asshole lately? #
I have zero tolerance for bitchy men. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-04-22

Tim John — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:15:00 +0000

Anything you can do I can do, without pants. #
Real men are excellent at grilling. #
I have a crush on Barbara Eden. #
For a second, I forgot that I don't want to see Rue McClanahan naked. #
He wrote this in third person. #
"Hey America, eat this disgusting and unhealthy food." -TV #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-04-15

Tim John — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 18:15:00 +0000

The Tale of Timothy John and His Missing Shoe is a story that is probably just as boring as the title makes it sound. #
Intellect without ambition is like a cheeseburger without bacon. #
She fell asleep on his shoulder. He didn't mind. #
Normally a prewarmed seat is slightly disgusting, but it's cold in Chicago tonight. #
Whenever something goes wrong, the most important thing is to determine who is at fault. #
"I smell a rat!" -Pet store employee #
Idea! Pay to swim with kidnapped dolphins.
Been done already? Damn. #
Nobody wears more polos than Utah. And yet, even those men helicopter their wives. #
I don't respect guys that wear their cell phones on their belt. #
If you buy premade peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, you're the laziest mother ever. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-04-08

Tim John — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 18:15:00 +0000

If there's no circus to run away with, start your own. #
Real men eat kale. #
If you hate nachos, I hate you. #
I ate a dingo's baby. #
"Oooooweeee! Someone got some dank ass shit on this train!"
And I just stand there and grin. #
Awww, she ordered a scotch just like me. I bet she's got an adorable little penis under that skirt too. #
I don't give a damn about your honey badger joke. #
I'm listing "I have great prescription coverage" on my OK Cupid profile. #
I refuse to eat at a restaurant that has a menu item labeled Rooty Tooty Fresh & Fruity. #
If we get married and you dress comfortably all the time, I'm cheating.
If you're as appetizing as Sizzler, I'm eating somewhere else. #
Now you're thinking about nachos too. #
Some men are also into shoes. #
I save horrible news for April first just so I can put people on an emotional roller coaster. #
Fact: Few men can offer a woman the chance to have sex in the Bat Mobile. #
There's nothing worse than having to overhear someone's conversation about church on their cell phone. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-04-01

Tim John — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 18:15:00 +0000

9/10 Hell's Angels prefers puppies to kittens. #
Smoking weed before hanging out with friends so that you don't have to smoke them out is a dick move. That I employ all the time. #
Something that should've occurred to me a long time ago, just occurred to me.
I don't know whether to feel smart or stupid right now. #
I haven't been called a butthole since 1992. #
I don't throw rocks at pigeons on my building because it's fun. I throw rocks because they spray my windows with feces.
The fun is a bonus. #
That awkward feeling you get when a transvestite smiles at you. #
I'm on your wifi. #
You have no reason to smile.
I smile for no reason at all. #
I didn't tell her that she had a camel toe, but I did tell her I'd never leave my house without glancing at a full-length mirror first. #
Siri, should I wear underwear today? #
Time for me to book a trip somewhere… not sure where yet. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-25

Tim John — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 18:15:00 +0000

"I'm kind of a tomboy." -Pretty Girls #
After soaking in the sink, Tim gives the pan one final scrub and is delighted to see it restored to it's original pre-lasagna condition. #
Some days you have coworkers, some days you don't. #
Women are like burritos. You may have more than one, but for god's sake, enjoy what's in front of you while it is. #
Sometimes you try to throw someone a life saver. Sometimes it accidentally hits them in the the head and they end up drowning. #
Stupidity and laziness are often indistinguishable. #
Going from European women to American women is like going from European cheese to American cheese. #
Living near an intercity playground is nice. You can hear children screaming in frustration and rage. #
You wanna know what love is? You want me to show you?
No. #
Okay, I get it. You put the wainscoting in yourself. Can we please talk about something interesting now? #
20% of your friends are responsible for 80% of the dumb shit posted on Facebook. #
Always be yourself. Unless you're an asshole, then you should pretend to be someone better. #
Oh hey, sorry for walking out on you but YOU'RE SO FUCKING BORING. #
I'm tweeting this to look occupied while I eavesdrop on the chick sitting next to me. Ohh this is GOOD. #
When the moon hits your eye like an angry white guy, that's assault. #
Just called someone a butt-knuckler.
Pretty sure I invented that. #
Hah! You said I'd never make it without you but look who's eating minute rice and laughing now! #
Updating your Facebook relationship status to, "It's complicated." might as well say, "I'd cheat under the right circumstances." #
Move over Abe, Chicago has a new sausage king. #
These floors are dirty as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore. #
I admit that last one was kinda dumb but it's Twitter and it beats laughing at your own farts in the bathtub.
Actually, does it? #
Spoiler Alert: That thing on the back of your car looks like a shopping cart handle. #
Hey ladies, if you can just walk up to me and touch my hair without asking then I get to do that to your boobs. #

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-18

Tim John — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 18:15:00 +0000

Some of us like to get pinched. #
Today kept me busy enough to distract me from the agony of knowing that I have dewclaws. #
I'm in a sing like David Bowie mood today. #
Reality TV Idea: We install cameras in my apartment and then at random intervals a body building female midget breaks in and beats me up. #
I'd like to tickle your fancy. #
I like to let people hit the ground when we're doing trust falls so they learn the important lesson:
It's not my job to catch you. Ever. #
I'm heading out to do something dangerous. I'll brag if it goes well, or delete this tweet if it doesn't. #
When someone calls me Tom in an e-mail I call them an idiot in my head. #
Her: But you're so far away. How will we keep our feelings alive?
Me: Phone sex. #
I just cleaned the stove, so leave me the hell alone. #
If you put your jeans in the freezer, you can't afford them. #
I hate when young women wear old lady perfume. #