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Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-11

If you're having the guys over, be ready for them. http://t.co/l3nF01Z7 #
If people knew what their idle facial expression looked like, they'd be horrified that they look like an asshole most of the time. #
No, you're weird if you DON'T yell at your television. #
"Carpe this." -Diem #
Weekends are awesome because that's when it's socially acceptable to drink in the morning. #
FACT: You're 5-10% more creative without pants on. #
She had a lazy eye, so I wasn't sure if she was smiling at me or someone else. #
Time flies when you're caught in a dead end marriage. #
The moment you realize that your life is fun and exciting as it is, a woman comes along to mess it all up. #
If you want to see some assholes with a few cool guys mixed in, do a Google Images search on the name Barry. #
My dingo ate your baby. #
Espresso's on me. “@FavstarOfTheDay: Congrats @TimUhl! @LaFuzzyNoir picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/caM3lhGM” #
I realized I was a coffee snob when I heard someone say Expresso instead of Espresso and it curled my lip. #
There's some fun shit in the works.
Very fun. #
Measure a woman not by her body, or her mind, but her after-sex sandwich making skills. #
Whenever I'm done making love, I like to cap it by saying something sweet like, "You should go." #
Taking you shopping for fine clothing and cosmetics is just my little way of saying, "You're not enough." #
If you're signing a note with X's and O's which ones are the kisses and how do you signify where on the body you're placing them? #
I give her the upper hand.
Up'er shirt, that is. #
If I heard someone describing me and didn't know they were talking about me, I'd be like, "He sounds awesome! And gay." #

Add comment March 11th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-03-04

She wears workout pants all day long and can't figure out why her husband never wants sex. #
The only things that ever last, are the memories we keep of each other. #
Girl, you know you deserve better than frozen pizza.
Incidentally, that's all I have. #
I kinda sorta love this town. #
My ass is a vast resource, from which many ideas may be pulled. #
Monday, we've talked about this. You're not wearing your ball gag. #
Maybe someday manliness will be back in demand. #
I wanted to say, "I hate your guts!" but what came out was, "Is there anything I can bring to the party?" #
I'd like to nominate my ex wife for her role in "The Lie We Called Marriage." #
It's important to balance debauchery and drug use with running, healthy eating and a disciplined spiritual practice. #
Girl, you look like Michael J. Fox walking in those heels. #

Add comment March 4th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-26

"In this scene, I'll play the role of a woman emotionally driven to eat six peanut butter cups." -Kirstie Alley, at home, probably #
The universe is telling me to avoid magical thinking. #
If I have one fault, it's thinking I don't have any faults. #
The plastic beads hanging from your rearview mirror gave me the idea that you'd flash your tits at me if you're drunk enough. #
I bet your vagina isn't as boring as you are. #
If it never gets better than this… cool. #
Dad fished for trout. Mom fished for compliments. #
Thanks for being a dickhead, you just wiped the favor slate clean and I felt like I owed you a few. #
Sometimes you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I the mom that walks around without a bra on?" #
Her: I just want you to like me.
Translation: Tell me I'm beautiful and amazing, take me to new places. Oh and gifts! I love gifts. #
I don't care how old Jane Seymour is at this point.
I'd still do her. #
Why do you have to pay dozens of nights doubting yourself to get that one that makes you believe all over again? #
These boots were made for walking, but I feel like laying around for most of the day. #
Relationship progression:
1. Flirting and laughing.
2. Light touching.
3. She confesses some dark shit.
4. I feel awkward.

Aaaaand repeat. #
Sometimes I feel like the briefcase someone forgot on top of their car. #
For lent, I'm giving up on life. #
Sure Jesus could turn water into wine, but I wanna see what he could do with a bag of oregano. #
If a significant portion of our population is lost, destabilizing our economy and causing our society to crumble then the terrorists win. #

Add comment February 26th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-19

Want a recipe for loneliness?
Know what you're worth. #
Me: Table for two?
Her: Do you have a reservation?

Me: No. Did I need one?

Her: No, we can seat you now.

You pretentious assholes. #
I could tolerate a little more weirdness in my life. #
You had a healthy and loving relationship with your father?
Oh! That must be why I'm not attracted to you. #
You might like that I treat you like a normal person, but it's probably just because I don't know you very well yet. #
You see whatever I want to show you. I see what I really am. #
Just remember, the assholes are missing out on the kind of fun we enjoy regularly. #
I don't know you, but I understood that subtle smile you gave me in the grocery store.
You want me to cut your husband's brake lines. #
It didn't bother me that he ordered a Tai Chi. The barista giving him a Chai Tea instead of a crane pose is what bothers me. #
Actually, I was smiling at the girl behind you. … Awkward … #
I'd like to hear your vagina's monologue. #
If I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "You look so familiar."
Yeah. Try a different pickup line. #
I think you're gorgeous, funny and charming and I was wondering if you'd be interested in keeping my balls in your purse? #
♪Oh, I believe there are assholes among us… ♪ #
I wish more bad stuff would happen to me so I could have a good reason to treat everyone like shit. #
Of all the things you can have stuck up your ass, a great idea is the most uncomfortable. #
You know what I don't like about you?
That I could start to really like you. #
Today Valentine's day candy is just as cheap as the promises you made yesterday. #
Who needs marriage when there's autocorrect? #
I wonder if Dachshunds are better listeners than Golden Retrievers. #
I'd like to reintroduce denial as a viable coping strategy. #
Hey baby, I'll put the beef in your nachos. #
I love leaving little surprises for myself.
My password hint is: "If you can't remember this, you're a fucking idiot." #
When you're feeling lonely, I'll be the voice on the telephone saying that I'm already inside your house. #
A jacuzzi can hide the bubbles but it can't hide the smell. #
You know what goes great with scotch?
Self-pity. #
I like to deliver my valentines in the form of wordless, breathy phone calls. #
If you can't set the world on fire, settle for your asshole neighbor's garage. #
I need to remember not to make any life plans before having my coffee. #
If you want to use a guitar to get laid you really only need to know 3-4 songs. #
Valentine's Day: It's the twat that counts. #
The worst part of mornings is having to wait several hours before it's socially acceptable to drink beer. #
That's me in the coroner. #
"I've always relied upon the hospitality of strangers." Because you're not capable of doing anything for yourself? #
Funny how hookers have reputations for being cheap when Red Lobster and a few nice words is what actually costs less. #
These upscale chocolates, expensive flowers, sentimental card and vintage wine are to tell you what you mean to me.
And that I wanna do it. #
Boom. I just said that to give this meaningless tweet some extra gravity. #
If you don't have anything nice to say, do the rest of us a favor and stick a gun in your mouth. #
Some are dying to live for something.
Some are living to die for something. #
A hispanic that doesn't like spicy food is like a man that doesn't like sex. #
You guys remember that time I drunk spelled that one dude's name and then threw myself down a flight of stairs because of it?
Classic Tim. #
Growing up Mormon and not being allowed to watch R rated movies, you learn that sex is nothing more than naked hugging. #
I keep gum and tic-tacs in my nightstand drawer because, morning sex. #
Next time a cat sticks its asshole in my face, I'm responding in kind. #

Add comment February 19th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-12

The opinions expressed may not reflect my actual opinions. #
I can help you find your way in the dark.
Here's my belt buckle. #
My greatest achievement in life is finding a socially respectable job that I can actually do without wearing pants. #
Fascinating Self-Discovery: I can't draw to save my life. Unless what I'm drawing is boobs. #
Ass: Either tap it or bacon wrap it. #
I don't mind the sight of blood, urine, feces, or vomit. Seeing your feelings is what grosses me out. #
Years ago, I began my graphic design career by creating accurate reproductions of the Utah State Driver's License. #
Women just can't resist a man that can resist them. #
For the love of god, even if you don't have to at the moment… Pee before you leave the bar. #
Whenever I need to quell my nerves before I do some public speaking, I imagine that the audience is imagining me naked. #
I'm interviewing to volunteer for a local hospice next week. Wish me luck. #
Nobody ever catches a lucky break sitting on their couch. #
Today an old woman asked for my arm while she crossed the street.
It made my day to be able to help her. #
Home is that feeling you get when there's not a single place you'd rather be. I love this town. Cold weather and all. #
Impossible to find: A sexy girl who grew up on Voltron and Thunder Cats that's single and socially competent. #
I suck at sarcasm because I just end up saying the kind of stuff that's genuinely true and hurtful.
Or does that make me good at it? #
If you're so smart how come you're always burning your mouth on pizza? #
Sometimes I could swear I'm being watched…
So I walk around without pants on. #
I like to get more than the next guy so I have more to give than the next guy. #
I hear they're bring back Arrested Development on Netflix. So yeah, I believe in the power of prayer. #
I can tell you love being a parent by the sweatpants you always wear and the 25 lbs you put on. #
Which of these saws will cut through bone? #
Excuse me sir, where can I find non porous gloves that blood samples can't be taken from? #
I won't hit on a girl with hand sanitizer attached to her backpack.
I already know she won't do the weird stuff. #
When I'm lying on my deathbed, recounting my life, I'm pretty sure my biggest regret will be that I didn't eat more nachos. #
( inappropriate touch ) Yep. I did. What are you going to do about it? #
Alright smart ass, I'd like to see you come up with a better way of generating 1.21 gigawatts. #
Most of us have minds full of ideas, but our conversations are empty just the same. #
The hot water heater in my building broke. It's nice to have a legitimate excuse for not showering. #
Who needs warm fuzzy slippers when you can just double and triple layer your socks?
I need warm fuzzy slippers. #
You know who could shake you all night long? An epileptic. #
I can tell how much I like a girl by whether or not I clean my apartment before she comes over.
I just vacuumed my baseboards. #
Your advice may be well meaning, but it's still horrible. #
Whenever my ego gets out of control, I remind myself that sooner than I think I'll be wearing velcro shoes again. #
The woman I met last night is faster than my coffee pot. #
You play hard to get and I'll play who gives a shit. #

Add comment February 12th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-05

Del Taco is the short bus of mexican restaurants. #
My toenails get long in the winter when I'm not wearing flip flops regularly and/or there aren't women to judge me. #
Hey Randy, what're you up to? I've got a body to dispose of if you're not doing anything later. #
Beer. Book. Bathtub. Baroque.
I believe this is how the most methodic of serial killers grow to reach their full potential. #
If you're happy and you know, your browser history will surely show it. #
You call it pants, I call it oppression. #
There's no time like the present.
For beer. #
Overheard: "How can I be a home wrecker if he ain't even taken me to his home?" #
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, better run if they play this song one more effing time. #
I'm drinking coffee and waiting for my feelings about you to change. #
Seeing the scars from your boob job is like seeing the strings in a low-budget film. #
I can't think of a good reason why I should be wearing pants right now. #
There's going to be six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder. #
If you tickle my groundhog, I'll give you an early spring. #
It's always a good idea to clear your browser history before heading out into the city. Just in case. #
Love squirts. #
When I die I want to donate my body to a lonely woman who is into some weird shit. #
Breaking into a casket is harder than I thought it would be. #
Most of you assholes need to smile more. #
It takes a few years, but the highway to the danger zone actually leads directly to pooh corner. #
I'm exhausted from all of the P90Sex I've been doing lately. #
If I were a robot, this is what I'd be… http://t.co/kiKIktvp #
I do laundry when I run out of underwear. Mostly. #
Because I was bored. That's why. http://t.co/sJpkV468 #
When in need, smoke some weed. #
I've prescribed myself 16 oz's of coffee daily, as needed for general malaise. #

Add comment February 5th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-29

I've outsourced my happiness to the Blue Moon Brewing company. #
You're beautiful when you're not conscious. #
I fold my pants at night, to create the illusion that they're good to go again without washing them. Shut up. You do it too. #
What the Tim needs now, is beer, sweet beer. #
Maybe one day I'll stop saying maybe one day. #
Carpe coffee. #
I'm only dishonest in Photoshop. #
When I say, "Yeah, let's get together later!" I really mean never. #
If you ever feel comfortable enough to fart in front of me, I've failed. #
She had a lot of junk but not much trunk. #
I'm saving myself for that special someone… Who leaves their drink unattended for a few minutes. #
There's nothing sexy about the word birth canal. #
Don't use hashtags on Facebook status updates. #

Add comment January 29th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-22

I probably should require myself to shower for the day before uncapping a beer but… whatever. #
If you're hot try acting. If you're ugly try politics. #
It's adorable that she's afraid of spiders but won't hesitate to do all of the dirtiest shit I've ever asked for. #
Those times, when you're feeling all alone… I'll be there.
In a tree. Outside your window, wearing night vision goggles. #
When a telemarketer calls me six times in one day I consider it my duty to make up a story about disease, debt and loneliness. #
To help you abstain from eating all of the cookies, I'm leaving you this note letting you know I've counted them and I'm judging you. #
Since I can't throw the bacon grease down the drain I'll just throw it in your face. #
Good thing nobody saw me licking coffee off my shirt just now. #
Tess lalking. Fore mucking. #
When Jesus turned the water into wine, what he was really saying is "drink it like water." #
Oh hey, thanks for mentioning that you're on your period. You just saved me about $35 worth of drinks. #
Let us fill this golden goblet with the finest beer and drink to ourselves! Thanks to @StephenBCramer for the ToTD! http://t.co/5TVX96mu #
Every step I take is a calculated move designed to bring me closer to my next great beer. #
I'm not opposed to dating a thirty year old with braces as long as she agrees to wear her hair in pigtails. #
Woohoo! Thank you!!! @Favstar_Bot: Congrats @TimUhl! @CelebYouTaunt picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/C7V549CW #
Is that a banana in your pocket or a plantain? #
The smartest people I've ever met do some of the dumbest shit I've ever seen. #
It's hard to find the kind of woman you want to cuddle with afterwards. #
Nothing brightens the day like getting a dirty text message from an awesome girl. #
If you sing va-va-va-va-vagina to the tune of La Bamba it'll put you in a pretty good mood. #
Maybe the most beautiful flower in the garden is afraid of being picked. #
Shit. #
So did anyone ever figure out what Willis was talking about? #
There's a right at the end of the tunnel. #
When life gives you lemons, they're for rubbing in someone else's wounds. #
Pretend that my nose is a saddle horn. #
I only joke about the stuff I love, hate, fear, want to eat or want to have sex with. #
So it's Martin Luther King, Jr. day… Don't worry, I know better than to poke that with my offensive stick.
Thumbs up for equality. #
How can I get every photographer to unfollow me so I can just tweet with full abandon?
Oooh! I know. Nikon and Canon BOTH suck! Sony FTW! #
I dreamt my new roommate had a retarded daughter that kept showing me her tits and got angrier as I ignored her. Go ahead, analyze that. #
It's not that I have high standards, it's that everybody else does. #
It's not that I don't judge you, it's that I don't say anything about it. #
You never realize how far you've fallen until you're eating alone at Target. #
Oh man! I just met this awesome girl and in ten years I could totally see myself divorcing her for a younger woman. #
Nothing says overachiever like a man who buys combination face, hair and body wash. #
Why take responsibility for your behavior when you can blame everyone else? #

Add comment January 22nd, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-15

I dreamt I was still married. It woke me up and freaked me out so much I probably won't be able to go back to sleep. #
You bring the feet and I'll bring the balls. #
What's the best way to say 'high-functioning alcoholic' on a resume? #
I was worried my hotdog stand wouldn't fit down this hallway. #
These bargains are so believable! #
You've got the juice box and I've got the straw. #
Some sweaters make you look straight. Some sweaters make you look gay. #
Looking for love in all the wrong orifices. #
Her: You told us last night you perm your hair.
Me: No I didn't and I hate it when girls are jealous of my hair. It's a turn off. #
I end statements with question marks because it makes them confusing? #
Hey Adele, I've got a Grand Cherokee if you want to go rolling in my Jeep. #
Follow @JunkSack or I'll forever question your taste in humor. #FF #
There was a shriek coming from my basement and I was scared before I realized Julie must've chewed through her duct tape. #
You know what would make me happy?
Neither do I. #
Never shit where you sleep. Unless you have a bedpan. #
You know what I think is really effing cool? Something that nobody else would think is cool. So I'm not saying. #
I like to spend Friday the 13th with someone who is a poor judge of character and has no sense of impending danger. #
When do I get paid for this one? @favstar100: @TimUhl Congrats on your 100★ tweet! http://t.co/WvAqIS2U #
New drinking game! Take a drink every time you're depressed, sad, angry or lonely. #
Those moments where you want to break down crying but you try to hold it together because you're in the women's underwear section at K-Mart. #
If I say I love you it's because I do, or I've been drinking beer.
Either way, never doubt it. #
I favor the company of a refined lady with enough grace and elegance to pretend she doesn't have an anus. #
Signing a lease for a new apartment. Since I have no things it will be completely empty inside.
Just like me. #
I'm not sure if I actually like you or if this is just really good coffee. #
"Most men lead lives of quiet masturbation." -Henry David Thoreau #
I apologize in advance for this tweet not being a joke.
I EFFING LOVE CHICAGO. #
I love, love, love Chicago. #
Oh hey you! Long time no star. #
I hump statues. #
What was the URL for that mail-order concubine business? #
Is there anything I can do to make you feel more awkward? #
I make really awesome spaghetti.
~ Bachelors #
A pube on a bar of soap effectively makes it yours forever. #
So you come in the room, see that I'm napping… Turn on the TV and then leave.
You would've been Hitler's favorite. #
Hey baby, want a stick of Big Red? #
The riddle is why are my tweets riddled with typos today? #
Running is way more fun when you're not being chased by a knife wielding ex wife. #
You guys are going to want in on this. I'm putting together the perfect Spotify playlist for shaving my junk. #
I just made you think about boobs. #
Love is in the air. Open a window or spray some lysol. #
No you can't fishtail braid my hair.
I prefer a french braid. #
You detox. I'll retox. #
If your vagina is burning it's because I'm talking about having sex with you. #
I star your subtweets to say, "I see what you did there." #
Doncha wish your girlfriend was not like me? #
Even if you know who your father is, you'll always be a bastard to me. #
Are there camel tow zones in Arabia? #
If I were a stuntman I'd charge women $500 to dress like their husbands and let them push me down the stairs. #
It's so cute how women get bitchy once you make it clear you'll never be interested in them. #
You know what really grinds my beans? Shitty coffee. #

Add comment January 15th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-08

Give her whiskey, make her frisky. #
I love hearing the detailed vision behind an artist's completely mediocre body of work. #
She just said "cool beans" and now she must die. #
People would be nicer to each other if murder was socially acceptable. #
I started a Zen class.
I'm worried it will quell my hatred for everything and everyone, ruining my sense of humor. #
There's nothing more beautiful than a woman who doesn't know how beautiful she is. #
There she was at the grocery store on a Friday night, wearing sweat pants holding a bottle of wine.
And that's all I cared to know. #
If you're going to come crawling back, bring nachos. #
I don't mind looking for a new apartment. It's looking for a new dealer that sucks. #
Maybe my fly was down so that I could point out that you were looking at my crotch. #
I suffer from a general lack of enthusiasm concerning the people and possibilities in my life. #
I bet the Snuggle fabric softener bear has a secret panty fetish. #
I prefer to run outdoors. Then there's not someone on a treadmill behind me when I'm farting. #
She's what I call, "I'd do her sober pretty." #
Women aren't hard to understand.
Make them feel beautiful, dirty and adored. Put a price on that by not taking their shit. #
Why push my own limits when yours are available? #
Some of us search our closets for the day's outfit. Some of us search our hampers. #
Okay. You may not want to take down your Christmas lights, it is cold… but don't turn them on. #
Misery loves company. And chocolate. #
Beer. It's what's for dinner. #
Incase anyone was wondering, Trader Joe won't let you pay with scalps or pelts. #
I bet there's a few dead bodies in the Disney vault. #
One of the other benefits of joining AARP is that you can hang yourself in a dirty motel 6 and people will understand. #
A gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell. He just makes her scream so loud that everyone hears it anyway. #
A lot of ass crossed my path today and I kicked it all. #
Seeing a pretty girl do something clumsy is every bit as satisfying as watching a cat run into a glass door. #
Hey mom, while I'm gone would you mind keeping a disapproving eye on my porn collection? #
There are plenty of fish in the sea, so stick your spear in a few. #
Glad I'm not in LA right now. With my tweet history I'd be a prime suspect for all of the arson. #
Less than 24 hours here and I've got two new friends. Looking forward to finding even better ones so I can stop returning their calls. #
Our eyes met across the counter as we were refilling our Adderall. She had long curly hair and I knew she was my favorite flavor of crazy. #
"Nothing in this crazy world matters when I've got you right here with me." -Me, to my morning coffee #
Reality Check: I'M IN CHICAGO DOING WHAT I **LOVE**
(It doesn't feel like reality) #
For those who like to keep up, I now officially reside in Chicago. #

Add comment January 8th, 2012

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