Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-26

• "In this scene, I'll play the role of a woman emotionally driven to eat six peanut butter cups." -Kirstie Alley, at home, probably #
• The universe is telling me to avoid magical thinking. #
• If I have one fault, it's thinking I don't have any faults. #
• The plastic beads hanging from your rearview mirror gave me the idea that you'd flash your tits at me if you're drunk enough. #
• I bet your vagina isn't as boring as you are. #
• If it never gets better than this… cool. #
• Dad fished for trout. Mom fished for compliments. #
• Thanks for being a dickhead, you just wiped the favor slate clean and I felt like I owed you a few. #
• Sometimes you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I the mom that walks around without a bra on?" #
• Her: I just want you to like me.

  Translation: Tell me I'm beautiful and amazing, take me to new places. Oh and gifts! I love gifts. #

• I don't care how old Jane Seymour is at this point.

  I'd still do her. #

• Why do you have to pay dozens of nights doubting yourself to get that one that makes you believe all over again? #
• These boots were made for walking, but I feel like laying around for most of the day. #
• Relationship progression:

  1. Flirting and laughing.
  2. Light touching.
  3. She confesses some dark shit.
  4. I feel awkward.

  Aaaaand repeat. #

• Sometimes I feel like the briefcase someone forgot on top of their car. #
• For lent, I'm giving up on life. #
• Sure Jesus could turn water into wine, but I wanna see what he could do with a bag of oregano. #
• If a significant portion of our population is lost, destabilizing our economy and causing our society to crumble then the terrorists win. #

Add comment February 26th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-19

• Want a recipe for loneliness?

  Know what you're worth. #

• Me: Table for two?

  Her: Do you have a reservation?

  Me: No. Did I need one?

  Her: No, we can seat you now.

  You pretentious assholes. #

• I could tolerate a little more weirdness in my life. #
• You had a healthy and loving relationship with your father?

  Oh! That must be why I'm not attracted to you. #

• You might like that I treat you like a normal person, but it's probably just because I don't know you very well yet. #
• You see whatever I want to show you. I see what I really am. #
• Just remember, the assholes are missing out on the kind of fun we enjoy regularly. #
• I don't know you, but I understood that subtle smile you gave me in the grocery store.

  You want me to cut your husband's brake lines. #

• It didn't bother me that he ordered a Tai Chi. The barista giving him a Chai Tea instead of a crane pose is what bothers me. #
• Actually, I was smiling at the girl behind you. … Awkward … #
• I'd like to hear your vagina's monologue. #
• If I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "You look so familiar."

  Yeah. Try a different pickup line. #

• I think you're gorgeous, funny and charming and I was wondering if you'd be interested in keeping my balls in your purse? #
• ♪Oh, I believe there are assholes among us… ♪ #
• I wish more bad stuff would happen to me so I could have a good reason to treat everyone like shit. #
• Of all the things you can have stuck up your ass, a great idea is the most uncomfortable. #
• You know what I don't like about you?

  That I could start to really like you. #

• Today Valentine's day candy is just as cheap as the promises you made yesterday. #
• Who needs marriage when there's autocorrect? #
• I wonder if Dachshunds are better listeners than Golden Retrievers. #
• I'd like to reintroduce denial as a viable coping strategy. #
• Hey baby, I'll put the beef in your nachos. #
• I love leaving little surprises for myself.

  My password hint is: "If you can't remember this, you're a fucking idiot." #

• When you're feeling lonely, I'll be the voice on the telephone saying that I'm already inside your house. #
• A jacuzzi can hide the bubbles but it can't hide the smell. #
• You know what goes great with scotch?

  Self-pity. #

• I like to deliver my valentines in the form of wordless, breathy phone calls. #
• If you can't set the world on fire, settle for your asshole neighbor's garage. #
• I need to remember not to make any life plans before having my coffee. #
• If you want to use a guitar to get laid you really only need to know 3-4 songs. #
• Valentine's Day: It's the twat that counts. #
• The worst part of mornings is having to wait several hours before it's socially acceptable to drink beer. #
• That's me in the coroner. #
• "I've always relied upon the hospitality of strangers." Because you're not capable of doing anything for yourself? #
• Funny how hookers have reputations for being cheap when Red Lobster and a few nice words is what actually costs less. #
• These upscale chocolates, expensive flowers, sentimental card and vintage wine are to tell you what you mean to me.

  And that I wanna do it. #

• Boom. I just said that to give this meaningless tweet some extra gravity. #
• If you don't have anything nice to say, do the rest of us a favor and stick a gun in your mouth. #
• Some are dying to live for something.

  Some are living to die for something. #

• A hispanic that doesn't like spicy food is like a man that doesn't like sex. #
• You guys remember that time I drunk spelled that one dude's name and then threw myself down a flight of stairs because of it?

  Classic Tim. #

• Growing up Mormon and not being allowed to watch R rated movies, you learn that sex is nothing more than naked hugging. #
• I keep gum and tic-tacs in my nightstand drawer because, morning sex. #
• Next time a cat sticks its asshole in my face, I'm responding in kind. #

Add comment February 19th, 2012

A simple explanation of long form improvisation.

Long form improvisation is done with two or more people, who create a scene of varying length on the fly. When it’s done perfectly, it’s clear to the audience that each player is creating their lines and actions in direct response to what their scene partners last said. Each line builds upon and honors everything that has already been said.

The magic of improv, is when it’s completely clear to the audience why something was said. The audience sees the connections between lines of dialogue and actions, and they see how it fits within the pre-established context. This is what is most astonishing to an audience–when it’s obvious that you’re making it up. Trained improvisers create worlds that are so detailed, rich and interesting that the audience can’t believe it’s being made up right in front of them.

The one skill an improviser must have, is to be able to work off of inspiration. Any idiot off the street can get on stage, think that they’re funny and rant and riff off of themselves. There’s no skill in that. It’s also frequently boring and pointless. What’s difficult, is to take whatever you’re given by the audience and your scene partner and to create something right then. Right in that moment.

Long form improvisers create understandable, compelling and often humorous scenes with detailed worlds and characters right in front of their audience’s eyes.

Add comment February 15th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-12

• The opinions expressed may not reflect my actual opinions. #
• I can help you find your way in the dark.

  Here's my belt buckle. #

• My greatest achievement in life is finding a socially respectable job that I can actually do without wearing pants. #
• Fascinating Self-Discovery: I can't draw to save my life. Unless what I'm drawing is boobs. #
• Ass: Either tap it or bacon wrap it. #
• I don't mind the sight of blood, urine, feces, or vomit. Seeing your feelings is what grosses me out. #
• Years ago, I began my graphic design career by creating accurate reproductions of the Utah State Driver's License. #
• Women just can't resist a man that can resist them. #
• For the love of god, even if you don't have to at the moment… Pee before you leave the bar. #
• Whenever I need to quell my nerves before I do some public speaking, I imagine that the audience is imagining me naked. #
• I'm interviewing to volunteer for a local hospice next week. Wish me luck. #
• Nobody ever catches a lucky break sitting on their couch. #
• Today an old woman asked for my arm while she crossed the street.

  It made my day to be able to help her. #

• Home is that feeling you get when there's not a single place you'd rather be. I love this town. Cold weather and all. #
• Impossible to find: A sexy girl who grew up on Voltron and Thunder Cats that's single and socially competent. #
• I suck at sarcasm because I just end up saying the kind of stuff that's genuinely true and hurtful.

  Or does that make me good at it? #

• If you're so smart how come you're always burning your mouth on pizza? #
• Sometimes I could swear I'm being watched…

  So I walk around without pants on. #

• I like to get more than the next guy so I have more to give than the next guy. #
• I hear they're bring back Arrested Development on Netflix. So yeah, I believe in the power of prayer. #
• I can tell you love being a parent by the sweatpants you always wear and the 25 lbs you put on. #
• Which of these saws will cut through bone? #
• Excuse me sir, where can I find non porous gloves that blood samples can't be taken from? #
• I won't hit on a girl with hand sanitizer attached to her backpack.

  I already know she won't do the weird stuff. #

• When I'm lying on my deathbed, recounting my life, I'm pretty sure my biggest regret will be that I didn't eat more nachos. #
• ( inappropriate touch ) Yep. I did. What are you going to do about it? #
• Alright smart ass, I'd like to see you come up with a better way of generating 1.21 gigawatts. #
• Most of us have minds full of ideas, but our conversations are empty just the same. #
• The hot water heater in my building broke. It's nice to have a legitimate excuse for not showering. #
• Who needs warm fuzzy slippers when you can just double and triple layer your socks?

  I need warm fuzzy slippers. #

• You know who could shake you all night long? An epileptic. #
• I can tell how much I like a girl by whether or not I clean my apartment before she comes over.

  I just vacuumed my baseboards. #

• Your advice may be well meaning, but it's still horrible. #
• Whenever my ego gets out of control, I remind myself that sooner than I think I'll be wearing velcro shoes again. #
• The woman I met last night is faster than my coffee pot. #
• You play hard to get and I'll play who gives a shit. #

Add comment February 12th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-05

• Del Taco is the short bus of mexican restaurants. #
• My toenails get long in the winter when I'm not wearing flip flops regularly and/or there aren't women to judge me. #
• Hey Randy, what're you up to? I've got a body to dispose of if you're not doing anything later. #
• Beer. Book. Bathtub. Baroque.

  I believe this is how the most methodic of serial killers grow to reach their full potential. #

• If you're happy and you know, your browser history will surely show it. #
• You call it pants, I call it oppression. #
• There's no time like the present.

  For beer. #

• Overheard: "How can I be a home wrecker if he ain't even taken me to his home?" #
• All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, better run if they play this song one more effing time. #
• I'm drinking coffee and waiting for my feelings about you to change. #
• Seeing the scars from your boob job is like seeing the strings in a low-budget film. #
• I can't think of a good reason why I should be wearing pants right now. #
• There's going to be six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder. #
• If you tickle my groundhog, I'll give you an early spring. #
• It's always a good idea to clear your browser history before heading out into the city. Just in case. #
• Love squirts. #
• When I die I want to donate my body to a lonely woman who is into some weird shit. #
• Breaking into a casket is harder than I thought it would be. #
• Most of you assholes need to smile more. #
• It takes a few years, but the highway to the danger zone actually leads directly to pooh corner. #
• I'm exhausted from all of the P90Sex I've been doing lately. #
• If I were a robot, this is what I'd be… http://t.co/kiKIktvp #
• I do laundry when I run out of underwear. Mostly. #
• Because I was bored. That's why. http://t.co/sJpkV468 #
• When in need, smoke some weed. #
• I've prescribed myself 16 oz's of coffee daily, as needed for general malaise. #

Add comment February 5th, 2012