Auto Tweet Review for 2012-02-05

  • Del Taco is the short bus of mexican restaurants. #
  • My toenails get long in the winter when I'm not wearing flip flops regularly and/or there aren't women to judge me. #
  • Hey Randy, what're you up to? I've got a body to dispose of if you're not doing anything later. #
  • Beer. Book. Bathtub. Baroque.

    I believe this is how the most methodic of serial killers grow to reach their full potential. #

  • If you're happy and you know, your browser history will surely show it. #
  • You call it pants, I call it oppression. #
  • There's no time like the present.

    For beer. #

  • Overheard: "How can I be a home wrecker if he ain't even taken me to his home?" #
  • All the other kids with the pumped up kicks, better run if they play this song one more effing time. #
  • I'm drinking coffee and waiting for my feelings about you to change. #
  • Seeing the scars from your boob job is like seeing the strings in a low-budget film. #
  • I can't think of a good reason why I should be wearing pants right now. #
  • There's going to be six more weeks of seasonal affective disorder. #
  • If you tickle my groundhog, I'll give you an early spring. #
  • It's always a good idea to clear your browser history before heading out into the city. Just in case. #
  • Love squirts. #
  • When I die I want to donate my body to a lonely woman who is into some weird shit. #
  • Breaking into a casket is harder than I thought it would be. #
  • Most of you assholes need to smile more. #
  • It takes a few years, but the highway to the danger zone actually leads directly to pooh corner. #
  • I'm exhausted from all of the P90Sex I've been doing lately. #
  • If I were a robot, this is what I'd be… http://t.co/kiKIktvp #
  • I do laundry when I run out of underwear. Mostly. #
  • Because I was bored. That's why. http://t.co/sJpkV468 #
  • When in need, smoke some weed. #
  • I've prescribed myself 16 oz's of coffee daily, as needed for general malaise. #

Add comment February 5th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-29

  • I've outsourced my happiness to the Blue Moon Brewing company. #
  • You're beautiful when you're not conscious. #
  • I fold my pants at night, to create the illusion that they're good to go again without washing them. Shut up. You do it too. #
  • What the Tim needs now, is beer, sweet beer. #
  • Maybe one day I'll stop saying maybe one day. #
  • Carpe coffee. #
  • I'm only dishonest in Photoshop. #
  • When I say, "Yeah, let's get together later!" I really mean never. #
  • If you ever feel comfortable enough to fart in front of me, I've failed. #
  • She had a lot of junk but not much trunk. #
  • I'm saving myself for that special someone… Who leaves their drink unattended for a few minutes. #
  • There's nothing sexy about the word birth canal. #
  • Don't use hashtags on Facebook status updates. #

Add comment January 29th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-22

  • I probably should require myself to shower for the day before uncapping a beer but… whatever. #
  • If you're hot try acting. If you're ugly try politics. #
  • It's adorable that she's afraid of spiders but won't hesitate to do all of the dirtiest shit I've ever asked for. #
  • Those times, when you're feeling all alone… I'll be there.

    In a tree. Outside your window, wearing night vision goggles. #

  • When a telemarketer calls me six times in one day I consider it my duty to make up a story about disease, debt and loneliness. #
  • To help you abstain from eating all of the cookies, I'm leaving you this note letting you know I've counted them and I'm judging you. #
  • Since I can't throw the bacon grease down the drain I'll just throw it in your face. #
  • Good thing nobody saw me licking coffee off my shirt just now. #
  • Tess lalking. Fore mucking. #
  • When Jesus turned the water into wine, what he was really saying is "drink it like water." #
  • Oh hey, thanks for mentioning that you're on your period. You just saved me about $35 worth of drinks. #
  • Let us fill this golden goblet with the finest beer and drink to ourselves! Thanks to @StephenBCramer for the ToTD! http://t.co/5TVX96mu #
  • Every step I take is a calculated move designed to bring me closer to my next great beer. #
  • I'm not opposed to dating a thirty year old with braces as long as she agrees to wear her hair in pigtails. #
  • Woohoo! Thank you!!! @Favstar_Bot: Congrats @TimUhl! @CelebYouTaunt picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://t.co/C7V549CW #
  • Is that a banana in your pocket or a plantain? #
  • The smartest people I've ever met do some of the dumbest shit I've ever seen. #
  • It's hard to find the kind of woman you want to cuddle with afterwards. #
  • Nothing brightens the day like getting a dirty text message from an awesome girl. #
  • If you sing va-va-va-va-vagina to the tune of La Bamba it'll put you in a pretty good mood. #
  • Maybe the most beautiful flower in the garden is afraid of being picked. #
  • Shit. #
  • So did anyone ever figure out what Willis was talking about? #
  • There's a right at the end of the tunnel. #
  • When life gives you lemons, they're for rubbing in someone else's wounds. #
  • Pretend that my nose is a saddle horn. #
  • I only joke about the stuff I love, hate, fear, want to eat or want to have sex with. #
  • So it's Martin Luther King, Jr. day… Don't worry, I know better than to poke that with my offensive stick.

    Thumbs up for equality. :) #

  • How can I get every photographer to unfollow me so I can just tweet with full abandon?

    Oooh! I know. Nikon and Canon BOTH suck! Sony FTW! #

  • I dreamt my new roommate had a retarded daughter that kept showing me her tits and got angrier as I ignored her. Go ahead, analyze that. #
  • It's not that I have high standards, it's that everybody else does. #
  • It's not that I don't judge you, it's that I don't say anything about it. #
  • You never realize how far you've fallen until you're eating alone at Target. #
  • Oh man! I just met this awesome girl and in ten years I could totally see myself divorcing her for a younger woman. #
  • Nothing says overachiever like a man who buys combination face, hair and body wash. #
  • Why take responsibility for your behavior when you can blame everyone else? #

Add comment January 22nd, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-15

  • I dreamt I was still married. It woke me up and freaked me out so much I probably won't be able to go back to sleep. #
  • You bring the feet and I'll bring the balls. #
  • What's the best way to say 'high-functioning alcoholic' on a resume? #
  • I was worried my hotdog stand wouldn't fit down this hallway. #
  • These bargains are so believable! #
  • You've got the juice box and I've got the straw. #
  • Some sweaters make you look straight. Some sweaters make you look gay. #
  • Looking for love in all the wrong orifices. #
  • Her: You told us last night you perm your hair.

    Me: No I didn't and I hate it when girls are jealous of my hair. It's a turn off. #

  • I end statements with question marks because it makes them confusing? #
  • Hey Adele, I've got a Grand Cherokee if you want to go rolling in my Jeep. #
  • Follow @JunkSack or I'll forever question your taste in humor. #FF #
  • There was a shriek coming from my basement and I was scared before I realized Julie must've chewed through her duct tape. #
  • You know what would make me happy?

    Neither do I. #

  • Never shit where you sleep. Unless you have a bedpan. #
  • You know what I think is really effing cool? Something that nobody else would think is cool. So I'm not saying. #
  • I like to spend Friday the 13th with someone who is a poor judge of character and has no sense of impending danger. #
  • When do I get paid for this one? @favstar100: @TimUhl Congrats on your 100★ tweet! http://t.co/WvAqIS2U #
  • New drinking game! Take a drink every time you're depressed, sad, angry or lonely. #
  • Those moments where you want to break down crying but you try to hold it together because you're in the women's underwear section at K-Mart. #
  • If I say I love you it's because I do, or I've been drinking beer.

    Either way, never doubt it. #

  • I favor the company of a refined lady with enough grace and elegance to pretend she doesn't have an anus. #
  • Signing a lease for a new apartment. Since I have no things it will be completely empty inside.

    Just like me. #

  • I'm not sure if I actually like you or if this is just really good coffee. #
  • "Most men lead lives of quiet masturbation." -Henry David Thoreau #
  • I apologize in advance for this tweet not being a joke.

    I EFFING LOVE CHICAGO. #

  • I love, love, love Chicago. #
  • Oh hey you! Long time no star. #
  • I hump statues. #
  • What was the URL for that mail-order concubine business? #
  • Is there anything I can do to make you feel more awkward? #
  • I make really awesome spaghetti.

    ~ Bachelors #

  • A pube on a bar of soap effectively makes it yours forever. #
  • So you come in the room, see that I'm napping… Turn on the TV and then leave.

    You would've been Hitler's favorite. #

  • Hey baby, want a stick of Big Red? #
  • The riddle is why are my tweets riddled with typos today? #
  • Running is way more fun when you're not being chased by a knife wielding ex wife. #
  • You guys are going to want in on this. I'm putting together the perfect Spotify playlist for shaving my junk. #
  • I just made you think about boobs. #
  • Love is in the air. Open a window or spray some lysol. #
  • No you can't fishtail braid my hair.

    I prefer a french braid. #

  • You detox. I'll retox. #
  • If your vagina is burning it's because I'm talking about having sex with you. #
  • I star your subtweets to say, "I see what you did there." #
  • Doncha wish your girlfriend was not like me? #
  • Even if you know who your father is, you'll always be a bastard to me. #
  • Are there camel tow zones in Arabia? #
  • If I were a stuntman I'd charge women $500 to dress like their husbands and let them push me down the stairs. #
  • It's so cute how women get bitchy once you make it clear you'll never be interested in them. #
  • You know what really grinds my beans? Shitty coffee. #

Add comment January 15th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-08

  • Give her whiskey, make her frisky. #
  • I love hearing the detailed vision behind an artist's completely mediocre body of work. #
  • She just said "cool beans" and now she must die. #
  • People would be nicer to each other if murder was socially acceptable. #
  • I started a Zen class.

    I'm worried it will quell my hatred for everything and everyone, ruining my sense of humor. #

  • There's nothing more beautiful than a woman who doesn't know how beautiful she is. #
  • There she was at the grocery store on a Friday night, wearing sweat pants holding a bottle of wine.

    And that's all I cared to know. #

  • If you're going to come crawling back, bring nachos. #
  • I don't mind looking for a new apartment. It's looking for a new dealer that sucks. #
  • Maybe my fly was down so that I could point out that you were looking at my crotch. #
  • I suffer from a general lack of enthusiasm concerning the people and possibilities in my life. #
  • I bet the Snuggle fabric softener bear has a secret panty fetish. #
  • I prefer to run outdoors. Then there's not someone on a treadmill behind me when I'm farting. #
  • She's what I call, "I'd do her sober pretty." #
  • Women aren't hard to understand.

    Make them feel beautiful, dirty and adored. Put a price on that by not taking their shit. #

  • Why push my own limits when yours are available? #
  • Some of us search our closets for the day's outfit. Some of us search our hampers. #
  • Okay. You may not want to take down your Christmas lights, it is cold… but don't turn them on. #
  • Misery loves company. And chocolate. #
  • Beer. It's what's for dinner. #
  • Incase anyone was wondering, Trader Joe won't let you pay with scalps or pelts. #
  • I bet there's a few dead bodies in the Disney vault. #
  • One of the other benefits of joining AARP is that you can hang yourself in a dirty motel 6 and people will understand. #
  • A gentlemen doesn't kiss and tell. He just makes her scream so loud that everyone hears it anyway. #
  • A lot of ass crossed my path today and I kicked it all. #
  • Seeing a pretty girl do something clumsy is every bit as satisfying as watching a cat run into a glass door. #
  • Hey mom, while I'm gone would you mind keeping a disapproving eye on my porn collection? #
  • There are plenty of fish in the sea, so stick your spear in a few. #
  • Glad I'm not in LA right now. With my tweet history I'd be a prime suspect for all of the arson. #
  • Less than 24 hours here and I've got two new friends. Looking forward to finding even better ones so I can stop returning their calls. #
  • Our eyes met across the counter as we were refilling our Adderall. She had long curly hair and I knew she was my favorite flavor of crazy. #
  • "Nothing in this crazy world matters when I've got you right here with me." -Me, to my morning coffee #
  • Reality Check: I'M IN CHICAGO DOING WHAT I **LOVE**

    (It doesn't feel like reality) #

  • For those who like to keep up, I now officially reside in Chicago. :) #

Add comment January 8th, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2012-01-01

  • I bet she'll find me even more irresistible when I quit responding to her texts and phone calls. #
  • That makes me the uncle who entered his thirteen year old niece's bedroom at 1:47 AM to TURN HER FUCKING STEREO DOWN. #
  • Go get started! It's a brand new year to fill with regret and broken promises to yourself. #
  • The ball dropping is a bitter reminder of my own undescended testicle. #
  • I totally can't figure out how this intersection works, thank God there's a traffic cop. #
  • Don't worry, be horny. #
  • Please look at my penis when you're talking to me. #
  • I'll see your crazies and raise you two creepies. #
  • You can't be a pussy when it comes to the things you want more than anything else. #
  • And I say this with all the love, respect and appreciation for who you've shown me you are… You're a dumb bitch. #
  • It's so cute when women pretend to give men choices. #
  • They should make a low voltage taser for kids. #
  • If I told you that you had a nice body would you let me stuff it into a wood chipper? #
  • Boring, miserable and depressed people make your life boring, miserable and depressing. #
  • Even if I had the severed rotting ass of a rat, I wouldn't give it to you. #
  • My browser history tells a story that I never will. #
  • If cities were dogs Salt Lake would be an overweight Golden Retriever. #
  • I ask people wearing mismatched socks if they know their socks are mismatched.

    Someone has to encourage conformity. #

  • Twitter allows me to express myself like an anal gland at a vet's office. #
  • Hey Utah, that's not smog in the air. It's sexual repression. #
  • He who lives by the lightsaber, dies by the lightsaber. #
  • Maybe steak and eggs served up at a strip club would give me the inspiration I need to get these ads designed. #
  • I remember getting a HUGE Christmas bonus one year at a design firm and you know what? I hated that job anyway. #
  • She inspires me to think inside the box. #
  • My favorite thing about Utah is that I don't live here anymore. #
  • Women are like a fine wine. I want more. #
  • Wanna make sure your son stays a virgin until he's 28? Make him learn the oboe. #
  • I mastered the breast stroke without ever getting in a swimming pool. #
  • Realizing I have a weird ass family makes me feel normal. #
  • Would you still love me the way you do if you saw me scratching my ass? #
  • Sitting in Starbucks, watching this old couple turn their distaste for their breakfast sandwiches into their distaste for each other. #
  • It should be standard etiquette to let your friends know if the drugs you're sharing have been up your ass before they light up. #
  • Don't pretend you've never sexually abused a jetted tub before. #
  • Seriously tempted to slip my 72 year old Mormon father a marijuana brownie so we can just be real for once. #
  • Maybe the reason he didn't respect you in the morning is because you snored all night. #
  • Hating all women is misogynistic. Hating all women except one is romantic. #
  • Go ahead and leave the refrigerator door open, it'll be my justification for your eventual murder. #
  • Of everything I'm opening today, a bottle of gin is what I'm most looking forward to. #

Add comment January 1st, 2012

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-25

  • Wish I had someone to unwrap tomorrow morning. #
  • Sorting Facebook friends into a list labeled, "I'd do them" because being organized is really important to me. #
  • It's hard to put enough love into your cooking when you're low on bodily fluids. #
  • In between being a self absorbed narcissistic asshole, I like to cook for my family. #
  • I hate hurting people's feelings so I pretend they don't have feelings and do whatever I want. #
  • Kentucky exists so that people from states like Utah and Tennessee can still feel good about themselves. #
  • Seems like Burger King would've dipped his whopper in Dairy Queen by now. #
  • Woohoo! 50 Stars! RT: @favstar50: @TimUhl Congrats on your 50★ tweet! http://t.co/JIr4hI3s #
  • What better time of year to extend the middle finger of friendship? #
  • I like my women like I like my socks, cheap and found at Walmart. #
  • It shouldn't be this hard to find a penis sized Santa hat. Hmmm… Maybe Etsy. #
  • Sure! You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like or six days, whichever is less. #
  • I've got imaginary friends in low places. #
  • My nieces and nephews are putting my solid reputation as a kid hater in jeopardy. #
  • In case anyone was wondering, Utah still sucks. #
  • Well thank God John Tesh is still on the air. #
  • There might be plenty of fish in the sea, but there's very few I would want on my hook. #
  • "Hey asshole, my eyes are up here."

    Actually honey, I wasn't looking at your boobs. I was looking for your boobs. #

  • Going to bed feeling alone reminds me of when I was married. #
  • Don't look at me like you've never been caught with warm deli meats down your pants. #
  • A delicious crispy chicken sandwich, piping hot waffle fries and a savory side of anti-gay agenda? I'm craving me some Chik-Fil-A. #
  • Nothing says romance like a secluded cabin on the lake, a warm fire and a gassed up wood chipper. #
  • This $20 Chili's gift card says, "I cared enough to get you something, but not enough to think about it." #
  • Despite the fact that I hate everything and everyone, I'm in a remarkably great mood. #
  • It's just adorable when she says, "Promise you'll untie me if I get scared?" #

Add comment December 25th, 2011

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-18

  • I'll bring the mistletoe, you bring the camel toe. #
  • There actually is a Jackson Jr. High in Sandusky, Ohio.

    We should hassle their coaching staff for good measure. #

  • If I ask you how your life is, I expect you to pay me the same courtesy I pay you; lie and don't tell me about your problems. #
  • Follow these ladies or you're dead to me. @beingtheo , @CandyCrisis , @Jazzzzzmina , @ShoutingGoddess , @dietredbull , @slyoung5 #FF #
  • When @Hormonella stars a tweet I don't care how many other stars it gets. #FF #
  • I wonder if there's an honest guy out in the world named Sandusky Jackson who just hates his life so much right now. #
  • When the meeting meanders towards people's favorite cheesecake, I meander out. #
  • Shia Labeouf is one of those names you never feel comfortable saying so you spit it out fast with panache. #
  • Bacon accomplished. #
  • Jesus loves me, this I know, for this beer tells me so. #
  • I'm asking for a friend.

    … Anybody? #

  • Ladies, how about putting makeup on before getting in your car? Then I can avoid almost getting hit and seeing what you really look like. #
  • Why do bumps on your body only appear in places where you can't get a good look at them? #
  • This is an actual thought that crosses some people's minds. "I'd look good if I shaved my eyebrows then drew them back in with pencil." #
  • I only believe in soul mates if you're hot and we have a couple things in common. #
  • Okay, one more. :) http://t.co/O8yufVdn #
  • My favorite from this series… http://t.co/VhfHFr21 #
  • Heh heh heh. ;) http://t.co/bklxH6Jw #
  • In Rowling's world it may be the wand that chooses the wizard, but in the real world it's the woman that chooses the wand. #
  • I love people who speak in public without considering that others may be listening to their conversation. #
  • Like setting fire to your workplace after they fired you? “@Your_Say: Never regret something that made you smile ~Unknown” #
  • If I don't let your dog near me very often, it's because I know you let it drink out of the toilet. #
  • Chunky peanut butter and a SVU autopsy scene don't go together as well as you think they would. #
  • Own your bullshit or it will own you. #
  • Well I'm back to believing people are bastards again. #
  • There's nothing more distracting than a set of boobs in an awesome sweater. #
  • I want the kind of woman who listens to my dreams and hooks my nipples up to a car battery. #
  • Dear Santa,

    All I want for Christmas is a copy of your naughty list. Thanks!

    -Tim #

  • I'm all grown up now and I didn't get a damn thing from the giving tree. #
  • I'm afraid if this tweet doesn't get enough stars, I'll have to put it down. #
  • My safe word is 'Harder!' #
  • Monday is no match for my air guitaring. #
  • It's a rainy Monday. I have every reason to be this way. #

Add comment December 18th, 2011

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-11

  • You realize eating raw cookie dough carries the risk of salmonella, but you're a badass so you grab a spoonful anyway. #
  • How does Santa get so much done this time of year?

    Elf-discipline. #

  • Someone somewhere is fulfilling their dream of ordering a Ron Popeil Food Dehydrater. #
  • What just popped into my mind? That's right. Nachos. #
  • How many people are reading this to escape the reality that they're in a dirty public bathroom? #
  • I'm rocking out to Peter Murphy right now. Judge me as you will. #
  • I'm not special. I bet most people wake up screaming. #
  • Hey lady, there's a reason you don't eat a burrito before doing yoga. #
  • I love my bed like it loves me back. #
  • She's the scissors I run with. #
  • Strategically, my tweets are setting me up for a massive turnaround when I have kids and rediscover the importance of family values. #
  • Her: Hitting the button like that won't make the elevator come any faster.

    Me: I guess that's the difference between elevators and women. #

  • I have somewhere else to go but the way these two girls are making eye contact I'm waiting around to see if they kiss. #
  • Feeling good about yourself is only as far away as the nearest Walmart. #
  • That half smile I wear when I've got a freshly poured cup of coffee comes from knowing I'm on my way to a happier place. #
  • If it has to be done with pants on it's not worth doing. #
  • As a serious people hater, one of my favorite things about cheerful optimism is how much it pisses everyone off. #
  • Go get your own fish. No I don't give lessons. #
  • Some of you ladies belong on Twatter. #
  • "I bought you an iTunes playlist." is the new, "So, I made you this mixed tape." #
  • Bluh. More like an Egg McNuthin. #
  • I can tell when you're just courtesy starring. #
  • This makes me feel warmer than the bourbon I'm abusing right now. RT @favstar50: @TimUhl Congrats on your 50★ tweet! http://t.co/T1E5L8Yg #
  • Foursquare is great for bumping into your ex while you're out on a date with someone who is better looking and far more accomplished. #
  • That's not my beard growing, it's my apathy. #
  • I do the right thing, even when it means having to contact all of my former lovers to notify them that I'm now doing a 10. #
  • I'm finally living my dream of being the kind of uncle that never gets asked to watch the nieces and nephews. #
  • Every now and then I listen to a Bonnie Tyler song. #
  • Buying her jewelry says, "I love you even though you pull crazy shit on me and make me apologize for it." #
  • If you really loved me you'd be making me coffee. #
  • Behind every successful warlock in the World of Warcraft is a nerdy 17 year old girl. #
  • Lying about the size of your manhood is a phallacy. #
  • A trophy is basically a large golden burrito. Love and inappropriate touching to @verymrsgagewinn for the tweet of the day pick! TY! #
  • Why do ALL Rorschach ink blots look like vaginas? #
  • I really do love the holiday, but shove your Christmas music right up your Christmas ass. #
  • MOM! Monday licked my toast!!!! #
  • Guys get it through your head, women don't want DMs with pics of your hog.

    They want mine. #

  • The monkey on my back gives a good reach around. #
  • Throwing my paper towel on the floor is my little way of telling you to put a waste basket next to the door in the men's room. #
  • I'm sorry, the reason I didn't text you back right away is because I don't really give a shit. #
  • When the two best things in life cross each other's paths. http://t.co/ygzW2EOQ #
  • I hate that sitting alone in this cafe sipping my coffee nobody here has any idea what kind of crazy sex I had this weekend. #
  • Guys like to have their hair pulled too. #

Add comment December 11th, 2011

Auto Tweet Review for 2011-12-04

  • Guys might like to have their pulled too. #
  • Bacon sex. #
  • A Snickers is basically a small chocolate burrito. #
  • Some of FOX's female reporters give me a halfy. #
  • When a coworker dances to the music I've got playing, I hit pause to tell them I know what they're doing and I don't approve. #
  • How often does he say what I'm thinking? May I present the under followed, under appreciated @UrbanDouchebag #FF #
  • I follow @Hormonella's timeline. And I LIKE IT! #FF #
  • Siri, where should I aim my surface to air missile to take down my ex wife's flight? #
  • If you've never fired a gun without pants on, you've never really lived. #
  • Christmas time, like no other holiday, affords us the opportunity to falsely extend well wishes to people we secretly loathe and hate. #
  • If it has boobs it probably knows where you left your keys. #
  • Just because someone wants to be in your life doesn't mean they belong in it. #
  • Ale Fest 1, Tim John 0 #
  • I have beer on my shirt. Ladies, now accepting applications. #
  • Portland Holiday Brewfest 2011. Life is so good. http://t.co/0d4y4iG1 #
  • I've been to the Portland Holiday Brewfest. I love the world. #
  • If a tree falls on a guy named Forest, is it ironic? #
  • She's what I refer to as a three finger woman. #
  • As I have no Costco membership myself, I feel no shame in abusing the sample ladies' generosity. #
  • Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. -Vince Lombardi #
  • I read Playboy primarily for the pictures of naked women. #
  • I took this in Denmark, I haven't been able to write a caption for it. It speaks for itself. http://t.co/YFsT8KYE #
  • Just cleaned my laptop screen so nobody can get a DNA sample off of it now. #
  • I don't burn bridges. I burn houses. #
  • If it were called Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties, then I'd watch it. #
  • I admit. I'm curious what Chaz's Bono looks like. #
  • Anyone you can do, I can do better. #
  • That last Retweet was an accident… But hey here's a thought, who gives a shit? No one. And in this instance, it's comforting. #
  • I'm to sorry to say, but I'm done apologizing for everything. #
  • It's still a Monday. #
  • Monday is the hair lipped hooker they keep around because a few freaks are into them. #
  • It's hard to find a girl with enough self-confidence to let me call out my ex wife's name while we're having sex. #
  • Don't judge me like you've never peed in a cemetery. #
  • It's difficult to make conversation with ugly people. #
  • I'm really looking forward to not finishing this new book I just bought! #
  • I support feminist mermaids who don't believe in wearing shells. #
  • Anger Management Technique: Instead of slapping her in the face, slap her on the ass. #

Add comment December 4th, 2011

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